Firstly I'm tired. I've been getting up between 4 and 5 am every morning, after having gone to bed around midnight, in order to bring the pup out since sunday. I feel drained and the husband wouldn't let me sleep. Last night was the worst because he woke up when I came back in with the dog and he didn't get back to sleep well after that. He's the kind of person that if he's not sleeping, you're not sleeping. He got up in the morning and let the dog out and got the boys ready for the day and school but then kept coming in the room every 10 mins to ask a stupid question or look for something or try and lay back down with me, so I'm tired.
After having a stellar day and night yesterday the pup had a set back today. I've been taking him out whenever he looked like he was anxious or pawing at the door, basically every 60-90 mins, and even had him in the fenced yard with the boys when I made dinner and of course as soon as I had all my boys and my pets eating he went into his crate and made a mess. I don't know why I took it personally but it put me immediately in a bad mood and I feel like a complete failure because I couldn't manage the boys, the meal, and the dog. For a few hours I felt like I made a huge mistake in getting the dog, because I knew going into this that with my husband's work schedule a lot of this would fall on me. Its why I wanted to get an older dog. I've never potty trained a dog before, and it was a nightmare with my boys. I don't know what I'm doing. I've read tons of books and articles and watched how to videos but I feel like an idiot because I'm failing at this. My husband hasn't been lucky enough to have to clean up after the dog so he doesn't share my frustration. He's also the only one of us with experience in potty training puppies and he's never home. Have I lost my mind in signing on for this?
I haven't had nearly enough to drink today and now I've got an upset stomach and a headache. I didn't make the greatest dinner from a dieting stand point, but I needed to make something I could finish in as short a period as possible. I made macaroni and cheese, not the box stuff, homemade but still not the greatest food choice. I used a lot of low fat and healthier ingredients but still mac and cheese isn't smart, but it tasted really good. I was trying to comfort myself with food and now I'm in the self-hating regret stage of it all.
On top of everything I can't seem to work the whole blogger thing, I can't comment on the blogs I follow and it keeps randomly signing me out when I'm reading. I have been reading all of your blogs and countless times I've wanted to say something to you guys and rarely does it work at all. What the heck am I doing wrong? That seems to be the question I've been asking myself about everything lately, maybe that should have been the title of this blog.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Moving on
So we had to adjust to all the things that are going on, and have been sort of. My husband is trying to get all his paper work changed so that he'll be able to re-apply for his school in January. Maybe by then the army will be willing to let him go.
My grandmother is doing much better. She's healing from her surgery and her latest testing came back negative for cancer so for now she won't have to go through chemo or radiation. She's scared but hopeful, I really wish I could be closer to be of more help.
The construction crew has begun working on the other homes in our row so we are thinking we'll be getting a call soon to move so I've been going through things and cleaning under furniture while we wait.
We also did something kind of impulsive over the weekend. We had been talking about getting a dog for the past year, we;d been looking at breeds we thought would be good for the family and weighing the costs of getting a puppy versus trying to rescue again. We had a really bad experience with a rescue in the past, she was a good dog, she just didn't fit with our family because she wasn't safe around children and was nervous around strange people which is a problem for military life because there are always people around. We have a cat we rescued along with his brother whom lives with my mom, so we figured it would be okay to buy a puppy. We have been looking at breeders online but found out that a few puppy stores were near by and on a whim went to have a look. The first place smelled aweful and was tiny and full to the brim with over-priced puppies but there was a few we would have taken a second look at. The second store seemed even less promising until we walked in and saw
We had been talking about getting a collie but couldn't really find a breeder close to where we live or for a reasonable price. We took one look at him and knew we were going home with him and luckily he was on sale due to his age and lack of interest in this area for his breed. I only feel badly that we had to leave his brother behind. We felt silly for a few hours but as soon as we had him home and he adjusted we realized he was the missing piece to our family. He's so sweet and smart and well behaved. He wasn't potty trained at all when we got him and he's already learned to try his best to go outside. We've only had two accidents since he's been home and for some reason he only goes in his crate so its easy to clean. We only got the crate because he had been living in a small space at the store, about 4 by 8 and we thought he'd be more comfortable sleeping there, plus we thought it would be safer introducing him to the cat that way. Turns out he's the one that needed to be protected from the cat and the crate is a safe place for him to sleep!
I've been walking him for the most part, and getting up in the wee hours to take him out which is good for exercise. Especially because with all the stress I've been under lately I've managed to gain ten pounds. I haven't been getting enough exercise and I haven't been eating on a good schedule because of the heat, plus we've been getting a lot of convenience stuff because its just too hot to cook. I know with the puppy I'll be getting more exercise so I need to buckle down and do the work emotionally and with my eating. I like my walks with the pup, he'd never been on a leash and we were worried, but he took to it in no time and doesn't pull and will walk right beside me looking up to me for cues. We walk all over post and he doesn't try to chase after things or jump on other people or dogs. We've introduced him to the other pups on our street and he's making friends already. Can you tell how happy I am with him!!!
My grandmother is doing much better. She's healing from her surgery and her latest testing came back negative for cancer so for now she won't have to go through chemo or radiation. She's scared but hopeful, I really wish I could be closer to be of more help.
The construction crew has begun working on the other homes in our row so we are thinking we'll be getting a call soon to move so I've been going through things and cleaning under furniture while we wait.
We also did something kind of impulsive over the weekend. We had been talking about getting a dog for the past year, we;d been looking at breeds we thought would be good for the family and weighing the costs of getting a puppy versus trying to rescue again. We had a really bad experience with a rescue in the past, she was a good dog, she just didn't fit with our family because she wasn't safe around children and was nervous around strange people which is a problem for military life because there are always people around. We have a cat we rescued along with his brother whom lives with my mom, so we figured it would be okay to buy a puppy. We have been looking at breeders online but found out that a few puppy stores were near by and on a whim went to have a look. The first place smelled aweful and was tiny and full to the brim with over-priced puppies but there was a few we would have taken a second look at. The second store seemed even less promising until we walked in and saw
This is Duncan our five month old rough collie!
I've been walking him for the most part, and getting up in the wee hours to take him out which is good for exercise. Especially because with all the stress I've been under lately I've managed to gain ten pounds. I haven't been getting enough exercise and I haven't been eating on a good schedule because of the heat, plus we've been getting a lot of convenience stuff because its just too hot to cook. I know with the puppy I'll be getting more exercise so I need to buckle down and do the work emotionally and with my eating. I like my walks with the pup, he'd never been on a leash and we were worried, but he took to it in no time and doesn't pull and will walk right beside me looking up to me for cues. We walk all over post and he doesn't try to chase after things or jump on other people or dogs. We've introduced him to the other pups on our street and he's making friends already. Can you tell how happy I am with him!!!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Went home for a visit and the bad news kept coming and coming
Not the best last couple of weeks around here for my family. Two weeks ago we headed upstate to visit family and plan for a move we had been trying to make to be closer to friends and loved ones and give our kids a better sense of where they come from. Being in the military hasn't been the greatest for giving them roots. We had plans for camping and a family reunion and seeing as many people as we could. Normally going home has me anxious and filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. I don't have the best relationship with a lot of my family and they hate my husband so its a strain every time. This time though I was uncharacteristically optimistic. God I wish I hadn't been so naive.
The trip started nice enough, we got in late and the next day dropped the kids with family and went camping with our oldest and dearest friends, we were both in a good mood. Saturday we went to see his parents and they agreed to watch the kids so we could see a movie. While we were out we got to see his cousin and his aunt who happened to be in town and we had a great date night. Then Sunday came and the whole week feel apart from there.
Sunday was the scheduled family reunion for my side, and only one cousin and his family showed up which was annoying at the time but got sad from there. One entire side didn't come because my cousin Justin found out his wife had been cheating on him for a long time, he found out the night before. And then I called my aunt to see if she was coming and she let me know that my grandmother has cancer and doesn't know right now how bad its going to be. SO I made plans to see my grandma that week and tried to get some family on board for that. From there our plans didn't seem to matter anymore.
Then on Wednesday my cousin justin and the rest of our small town got some awful news. His sister-in-law, who he had been staying with until the night before, had gone missing and was later found buried in a local park. The whole family got turned upside down all over again. The next day we were meeting with my gram and because of all the mess only some of us could be there but I was glad I was and she looked good and even though she was feeling like hell she was glad to see us and I was so happy to see her. I found out during our visit that a lot of people had been looking for my dad and as far as anyone knew he had been living in Virginia up until about 6 months ago, but was trying to move to California for work so we may never be able to find him for sure.
So we left for home a bit early after the whole week and have been waiting since then to hear if we'll be able to move back close to home. With my gram sick and my family going through a tough time right now, its where I want to be. But it looks like we'll have to stay were we are for at least the nest 18 months or so which isn't what we wanted. We haven't been able to get upstate as often as we'd like because of gas costs and lack of free time. we live about 4 hours drive from our family and its the closest we've ever been. But a few long weekends and a couple of weeks out of the year doesn't lend itself to being close. My gram had a kidney removed this year and no one thought to tell me she'd even been sick. We have spent the last year getting ready for this move and now its not going to happen. I still don't know how to process all this yet.
I haven't gained weight, through all of this I haven't lost weight but I haven't gained it. I've been trying to be aware of what I'm eating and doing because I know how badly stress effects me. But I don't think I'm processing my emotions well.I need to try and be present in this, to allow myself to feel the sadness and worry and disappointment without trying to cover it with food or push it down and not deal with it. I'm trying to stay positive for my kids but I don't want them to grow up thinking its okay to hide their emotions all the time either.
Well that's what I've been trying to live through for the last couple of weeks, hope you guys are having a much easier time of it.
The trip started nice enough, we got in late and the next day dropped the kids with family and went camping with our oldest and dearest friends, we were both in a good mood. Saturday we went to see his parents and they agreed to watch the kids so we could see a movie. While we were out we got to see his cousin and his aunt who happened to be in town and we had a great date night. Then Sunday came and the whole week feel apart from there.
Sunday was the scheduled family reunion for my side, and only one cousin and his family showed up which was annoying at the time but got sad from there. One entire side didn't come because my cousin Justin found out his wife had been cheating on him for a long time, he found out the night before. And then I called my aunt to see if she was coming and she let me know that my grandmother has cancer and doesn't know right now how bad its going to be. SO I made plans to see my grandma that week and tried to get some family on board for that. From there our plans didn't seem to matter anymore.
Then on Wednesday my cousin justin and the rest of our small town got some awful news. His sister-in-law, who he had been staying with until the night before, had gone missing and was later found buried in a local park. The whole family got turned upside down all over again. The next day we were meeting with my gram and because of all the mess only some of us could be there but I was glad I was and she looked good and even though she was feeling like hell she was glad to see us and I was so happy to see her. I found out during our visit that a lot of people had been looking for my dad and as far as anyone knew he had been living in Virginia up until about 6 months ago, but was trying to move to California for work so we may never be able to find him for sure.
So we left for home a bit early after the whole week and have been waiting since then to hear if we'll be able to move back close to home. With my gram sick and my family going through a tough time right now, its where I want to be. But it looks like we'll have to stay were we are for at least the nest 18 months or so which isn't what we wanted. We haven't been able to get upstate as often as we'd like because of gas costs and lack of free time. we live about 4 hours drive from our family and its the closest we've ever been. But a few long weekends and a couple of weeks out of the year doesn't lend itself to being close. My gram had a kidney removed this year and no one thought to tell me she'd even been sick. We have spent the last year getting ready for this move and now its not going to happen. I still don't know how to process all this yet.
I haven't gained weight, through all of this I haven't lost weight but I haven't gained it. I've been trying to be aware of what I'm eating and doing because I know how badly stress effects me. But I don't think I'm processing my emotions well.I need to try and be present in this, to allow myself to feel the sadness and worry and disappointment without trying to cover it with food or push it down and not deal with it. I'm trying to stay positive for my kids but I don't want them to grow up thinking its okay to hide their emotions all the time either.
Well that's what I've been trying to live through for the last couple of weeks, hope you guys are having a much easier time of it.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Taking Time For Fun
This past weekend was the first weekend, other then the week vacation we had in march, since before Christmas that my husband has had off of work. So aside from the list of things that needed doing which I've had in my head for months, my uncle told me not to forget to have some fun. So we did. We went to a local fair and saw some really cute shows that were free with the very low price of admission. The boys got to feed and pet some animals from around the world and we went on a ride together, which we hadn't planned but we ran into an mp we knew and he gave us some tickets! The whole afternoon was fun and stress free. We've had a ton of rainy nasty weather lately, and that day was supposed to be the same, but Saturday stayed mild and warm and nice all the way through! I really needed it!
This weekend is my wedding anniversary, its actually the anniversary of the day we started dating as well, we got married on the same day three years later. So this is our seventh wedding anniversary and we've been together now for a decade! Most of the time I don't feel old enough to have spent almost half my life with someone, it surprises me every year even though it shouldn't. It also brings up some unresolved feelings because my mother isn't a fan of my husband and refused to come to the wedding, or to allow my siblings to be there. My dad was actually there in a rare attempt at being a stand up guy he even gave me away. So my wedding day was a little bitter sweet. The ceremony was beautiful, we were married on a friends dock on the lake at sunset. My husbands best friend was ordained online and married us, it was a small event mostly immediate family and a few friends, only about 23 people altogether.
This weekend we are going to have dinner out with the boys and just enjoy each others company. We decided to cancel plans to go upstate and visit family while my husband is on vacation, and stay here and relax instead. I was so stressed out just thinking about going upstate, and we would have had to pull the boys out of their last week of school, its so much better this way. I'm really looking forward to spending some time with my boys and my husband even if it means missing my hometown parade!
I also stopped taking the victoza I was on. The daily needle was getting more and more painful, and I started having bad stomach and intestinal pain, I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm making an appointment to see my primary and seeing what other options are around because its just causing me too much stress. I initially tried to take it every other day to see if that helped because I was already on the lowest dose, and I noticed the days I didn't take it I felt a lot better, now I've been off it for three days and feel even better so no more.
I've been walking a lot but I haven't gotten back to the gym in a few weeks and I know I need to. Its harder now with the kids about to be done with school and the husband working days but I'll have to figure it out soon. I'm drinking a lot more water and trying to eat better and move around more, I've also been reading a lot and I enjoy it so its good for me I just need to find a way to read and move at the same time!
This weekend is my wedding anniversary, its actually the anniversary of the day we started dating as well, we got married on the same day three years later. So this is our seventh wedding anniversary and we've been together now for a decade! Most of the time I don't feel old enough to have spent almost half my life with someone, it surprises me every year even though it shouldn't. It also brings up some unresolved feelings because my mother isn't a fan of my husband and refused to come to the wedding, or to allow my siblings to be there. My dad was actually there in a rare attempt at being a stand up guy he even gave me away. So my wedding day was a little bitter sweet. The ceremony was beautiful, we were married on a friends dock on the lake at sunset. My husbands best friend was ordained online and married us, it was a small event mostly immediate family and a few friends, only about 23 people altogether.
This weekend we are going to have dinner out with the boys and just enjoy each others company. We decided to cancel plans to go upstate and visit family while my husband is on vacation, and stay here and relax instead. I was so stressed out just thinking about going upstate, and we would have had to pull the boys out of their last week of school, its so much better this way. I'm really looking forward to spending some time with my boys and my husband even if it means missing my hometown parade!
I also stopped taking the victoza I was on. The daily needle was getting more and more painful, and I started having bad stomach and intestinal pain, I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm making an appointment to see my primary and seeing what other options are around because its just causing me too much stress. I initially tried to take it every other day to see if that helped because I was already on the lowest dose, and I noticed the days I didn't take it I felt a lot better, now I've been off it for three days and feel even better so no more.
I've been walking a lot but I haven't gotten back to the gym in a few weeks and I know I need to. Its harder now with the kids about to be done with school and the husband working days but I'll have to figure it out soon. I'm drinking a lot more water and trying to eat better and move around more, I've also been reading a lot and I enjoy it so its good for me I just need to find a way to read and move at the same time!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Getting Out Of My Way
The last week has been like a private battle in my mind. I'm going through some things and I've been keeping it inside like I always do and wondering why I'm still having the same issues. Pretty stupid I know but I've always been good at getting in my own way. I'm beginning to realize that despite my best efforts at denial, I really do emotionally eat. I use food to stuff the feelings away because I don't want to feel them. Then I feel shameful and angry at myself for eating something I shouldn't, even a small amount, and stop eating regularly because I think I need to make up for it and my whole system gets messed up. I'm the kind of person that if I forget to take a vitamin for a couple of days I stop taking them all together because I get so hard on myself for failing in the first place.
I don't know why I feel the need to punish myself when I make a mistake, but I do. I think part of me is trying to keep myself this heavy because I don't think I deserve to be happy and thin. I've been punishing myself for years because I'm unhappy and I feel like I've made poor choices in life. Instead of trying to correct my mistakes I keep myself feeling the pain of them every day. I'm stuck in the moment of failure and I can't seem to get myself out of it. There are so many things that I want from life that are dependent on me loosing the weight, and I suffer from the want of them daily, but I don't loose the weight. I just keep getting in the way of myself over and over again and living in that place of pain instead of climbing my way out of it.
Lately I've been having dreams about my dad and that never helps. He was always so hard on me, harder then I am even. Nothing I did was ever good enough because I always fell short of perfect. When I was 12 he left my family for another woman and for the next 7 years I would see him still but it wasn't the same. When I had my first son he came to the hospital and made amends of sorts and was a part of my son's life til we moved to Germany with the army. I stayed in contact and when I was home the summer my second son was a baby, 5 years ago, we saw each other regularly. He was living with a new family and wanted my brother and I to get to know some kids we thought would be our step-siblings. I left for Germany in September and when I sent my Christmas card that year it was returned un-opened. My brother called and found out that 5 weeks after I left my father went to work and didn't come home. He moved to North Carolina with a someone he met at work and never came back. No one has heard from him in five years and I still can't wrap my head around it. I wasn't raised by someone who could do that, at least that's what I thought. I know my father moved out when I was 12 but he didn't stop talking to his entire family, he didn't completely escape his responsibilities as a father, and it wasn't a secret that he was leaving. My parents marriage had never been stable and frankly we were all relieved that the fighting had stopped, my parents became friends after the divorce was final it was easier on them both not to be living with each other.
Why can't I get passed this? How could the person whom raised me to be a moral, honest, hard working person do something so awful? Where is my dad? How do I tell my kids about him when I feel like I don't know who he is? I know I need to process this and move on, I know these unresolved feelings are helping to keep me stuck but its so crazy that its hard to believe sometimes that's its a fact of my life. My father could be dead right now and I have no way of knowing. Every time a number I don't know comes up on my phone I wonder. I pray about it but I keep it to myself. I don't know how to explain how I feel about it to people and I don't want to burden people unnecessarily with this either. So here it is in the blogger universe. I just needed to say something somehow sorry if it was too personal for people, I'm not looking for sympathy or judgement or answers really, I have faith that I'll get there on my own someday, well I'm trying to.
I don't know why I feel the need to punish myself when I make a mistake, but I do. I think part of me is trying to keep myself this heavy because I don't think I deserve to be happy and thin. I've been punishing myself for years because I'm unhappy and I feel like I've made poor choices in life. Instead of trying to correct my mistakes I keep myself feeling the pain of them every day. I'm stuck in the moment of failure and I can't seem to get myself out of it. There are so many things that I want from life that are dependent on me loosing the weight, and I suffer from the want of them daily, but I don't loose the weight. I just keep getting in the way of myself over and over again and living in that place of pain instead of climbing my way out of it.
Lately I've been having dreams about my dad and that never helps. He was always so hard on me, harder then I am even. Nothing I did was ever good enough because I always fell short of perfect. When I was 12 he left my family for another woman and for the next 7 years I would see him still but it wasn't the same. When I had my first son he came to the hospital and made amends of sorts and was a part of my son's life til we moved to Germany with the army. I stayed in contact and when I was home the summer my second son was a baby, 5 years ago, we saw each other regularly. He was living with a new family and wanted my brother and I to get to know some kids we thought would be our step-siblings. I left for Germany in September and when I sent my Christmas card that year it was returned un-opened. My brother called and found out that 5 weeks after I left my father went to work and didn't come home. He moved to North Carolina with a someone he met at work and never came back. No one has heard from him in five years and I still can't wrap my head around it. I wasn't raised by someone who could do that, at least that's what I thought. I know my father moved out when I was 12 but he didn't stop talking to his entire family, he didn't completely escape his responsibilities as a father, and it wasn't a secret that he was leaving. My parents marriage had never been stable and frankly we were all relieved that the fighting had stopped, my parents became friends after the divorce was final it was easier on them both not to be living with each other.
Why can't I get passed this? How could the person whom raised me to be a moral, honest, hard working person do something so awful? Where is my dad? How do I tell my kids about him when I feel like I don't know who he is? I know I need to process this and move on, I know these unresolved feelings are helping to keep me stuck but its so crazy that its hard to believe sometimes that's its a fact of my life. My father could be dead right now and I have no way of knowing. Every time a number I don't know comes up on my phone I wonder. I pray about it but I keep it to myself. I don't know how to explain how I feel about it to people and I don't want to burden people unnecessarily with this either. So here it is in the blogger universe. I just needed to say something somehow sorry if it was too personal for people, I'm not looking for sympathy or judgement or answers really, I have faith that I'll get there on my own someday, well I'm trying to.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day!!
Happy Mother's day to all the mom's and soon to be mom's out there in the blogger universe. Hope everyone has a wonderful time celebrating with their little ones or their own mother's today. Give your mother a call or a hug if you can, we wouldn't be here without them!
My day has been pretty typical, husband is working, kids are pretending to clean their playroom, and I'm getting the laundry done for the week. But I guess its a fitting way to spend mother's day, doing everything I do as a mother!
My day has been pretty typical, husband is working, kids are pretending to clean their playroom, and I'm getting the laundry done for the week. But I guess its a fitting way to spend mother's day, doing everything I do as a mother!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
weekend homebound just another frustration
Last weekend's cub scout camping trip went well. The husband had to work so he dropped us off and helped us set up before he took off for the night. I helped two other people with their tents and rounded up children til mine were ready for bed and then attempted to sleep in my new sleeping bag. It fit around me but was about 5 inches too short for me so I froze, April in New York isn't that warm by day so at night in a tent its downright frosty. When did they start making everything shorter. I'm not that tall, but more and more I find things to be too short for my use.
The next day my little tiger cub moved up to a wolf cub, I was so proud of him. Its a huge step for us because its so hard for my little guy to participate in things long term. He's autistic, and as high functioning as he is sometimes the world isn't understanding enough for him to join in. We have an amazing scouting organization here and they made this year a joy for all of us which means the world to me. The day was filled with fun stuff for the boys and families, these people are truly amazing in everything they do!
The rest of the week has been rough because I got a touch of the stomach flu. I'm feeling a lot better today but my husband is working days this month and that means a 12hr shift on the weekend, which means he's gone til 8pm, basically the whole day. Being home with the boys is fine, but a weekend stuck home kind of sucks hardcore. The boys have been good so far but only so much time with mommy is fun and I've just about run out!
The next day my little tiger cub moved up to a wolf cub, I was so proud of him. Its a huge step for us because its so hard for my little guy to participate in things long term. He's autistic, and as high functioning as he is sometimes the world isn't understanding enough for him to join in. We have an amazing scouting organization here and they made this year a joy for all of us which means the world to me. The day was filled with fun stuff for the boys and families, these people are truly amazing in everything they do!
The rest of the week has been rough because I got a touch of the stomach flu. I'm feeling a lot better today but my husband is working days this month and that means a 12hr shift on the weekend, which means he's gone til 8pm, basically the whole day. Being home with the boys is fine, but a weekend stuck home kind of sucks hardcore. The boys have been good so far but only so much time with mommy is fun and I've just about run out!
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