A unique opportunity

So a unique opportunity has kind of fallen into my lap, well really its been there so a few months but I finally had the courage, or was fed up enough with my husbands nagging, to reach out for the help.  A soldier my husband works with at the hospital is training to be a nutritionist and fitness expert specializing in weight loss.  And while he's still training for this he has been helping out people for free.  I know how could I have been ignoring this for this long right.  I have a really hard time asking other people for help.

Well this kid(he's a bit younger then me so I reserve the right to call him kid) has been helping other people we know as well as members of his own family for a few years now and has been able to achieve some pretty impressive results.  And he's agreed to help me out as much as he can, he is a newlywed though so it might be limited.  This could really be an amazing chance for me so I'm trying to remain optimistic.  Who knows he may someday be a coach on biggest loser and I can be one of his success stories.

He came to talk to my husband and me yesterday about what I've been doing and what I'll be needed to do from now on.  He's said some things I've heard before but he had some new advice that has made me do a lot of thinking.  He wants me to cut out meat though and I'm kind of struggling with that.  I've given up a lot of things on the road to a healthier me.  I'm not sure I'm ready to part with meat, I know its possible, we so eat vegetarian occasionally for health reasons, but to become one full time seems daunting.  Plus I'm anemic and I worry already about my iron levels. I've got some decisions to make about how much of what he says is doable for me personally.

  IN the mean time a hurricane is coming so I hope all you fellow east coasters are in a safe place well away from the storm, we are just above any evacuation zones but there's still one hell of a storm on the way and we may be without power for a few days.  I'm a little worried about my basement flooding but I have no place to put things for safe keeping so we'll have to wait and see. Good luck to the rest of you!

What Happens when an overachiever stops being the best at everything?

I've been thinking a lot about why I seem to have hit such a long bought with depression because I know its whats been sitting in my way.  I used to be the kind of person that everything came easy to.  I made good grades and I had a lot of friends and I could charm anyone into seeing me as a happy fun person to be around.  Instead of being happy with myself I started to feel like if I couldn't keep that up no one would love me.  That if I wasn't the best at everything that I wasn't good for anything.  And then my dad took off and left me and my mother holding the bag.  At first I was able to keep at it, keep the grades and the friends and the achievements going but I started to put on weight.

Nearly 14 years later and I feel like all those things I was the best at are gone.  Every time I meet new people, instead of being that happy fun person, I'm the overweight braggart trying desperately to impress people into believing I still have some small measure of self worth.  Not surprisingly I'm the biggest I've ever been and I'm having a really hard time coming down in weight, so much trouble that I've been thinking about having surgery to correct my failure. 

So what happens to that overachiever isn't pretty.  I doubt myself in tasks I used to believe I was pretty good at, I have no love for myself because I feel like I've let everybody down by not being who they thought I'd be.  I ended up pregnant at 17 just like my mother, as she likes to point out every time I see her.  I've heard "you were such a smart girl and had the whole world ahead of you, why did you throw it all away," so many times it might as well be tattooed on my forehead. I live in a world I don't fit and I feel like I can't fit inside myself anymore. 

I'm trying to find a way to be okay with who ever I turn out to be and let go of the ridiculous expectations I had for myself a decade ago.  I want to think of it as introducing myself to who I'm going to be and see if I can get some of that spark back.  Somewhere in that charming girl who could do anything she put her mind to the real me existed.  I need to find a way to be okay if all those parts of her aren't there anymore.

Beginning again, again

My husband and I decided that since this school year both boys will be all day at school, that we should take the free time to work out.  He thinks I should be working out the whole 7 hours biggest loser style, but I've managed to talk him down to working myself up to that.  I didn't let myself get too emotional today, even while watching my youngest child put on his backpack and line up with his class to spend his first full day away from me in his entire life.  I didn't want to weigh down his excitement with my silly mommy sadness.  And I tried really hard not to ask him a million questions about how his first day went, we settled with about 20 so far I think. But he knew it was coming because his brother started second grade last week and I grilled him then too.  It still bothers me a little that they spend so much of their day with other people, I miss them terribly and spend way too much time "helping out" at school.

As for exercise, today I went swimming with my husband for about 80 mins.  The big earthquake that hit happened while we were in the pool so even though our neighbors say they felt it, we were completely unaware until we picked the boys up from school and everyone was talking about it.  I managed to get quite a few laps in even without my goggles and sharing a lane with my pool challenged husband.  We really need to find some adult swimming lessons for him if he's going to swim with me on a regular basis, he gets so discouraged watching everyone else swim and float with ease when he sinks like a stone. 

For the eating part, I've been following the principles of the Glycemic Index diet.  It has green light foods which I can have without having to think much about it and then yellow light things to avoid most of the time and red light foods to avoid all together.  Its fairly simple, common sense stuff but the recipes in the back are interesting and I think it'll be easier to keep at it because its not too hard. I"m drinking as much water as I remember to drink and trying to get in breakfast and a few snacks to keep my metabolism running more evenly throughout the day.  Having to walk a dog every 90 mins or so seems to be helping as well.  I'm trying to keep my head up this time and enjoy the journey as much as I can.

Another month without a word, sorry again

I went to my mother's for a visit at the end of July and spent two weeks wondering why we thought moving closer to home would be a good idea for our family.  I sound ungrateful right now which makes me feel guilty, but as nice as it was to see family and friends, it was a constant reminder of why we fought all the time and were unhappy and why I ended up getting over 350 pounds.  A lot of the time it was just sad how angry and selfish and out of touch my family has become. 

 Since my brother and sister had to come back home 8 months ago the anger in the house has just gotten worse.  Everyone walks around mad at everyone and it breaks my heart.  When my husband came up to get us and spend some time with his family we thought it would be a nice break from the drama at my mother's and it was even worse.  His parents were so angry and bitter the whole visit we only stayed for three hours and the kids, dog and i spent an hour of that time outside on the trampoline while his parents sat inside.  We ended up driving home a whole day earlier then planned. 

Since then we've been trying to get back into a routine because the boys go back to school in about a week.  I've also started getting back on track with eating and fitness and trying to train the dog.  The one good thing about our trip home was the puppy got to have a puppy play date with a dog his size and he was the happiest I've ever seen him. 

So here's to getting back on track and finding a bit of comfort in distance and praying for the strength to make it through.

Not having the best day

Firstly I'm tired.  I've been getting up between 4 and 5 am every morning, after having gone to bed around midnight, in order to bring the pup out since sunday.  I feel drained and the husband wouldn't let me sleep.  Last night was the worst because he woke up when I came back in with the dog and he didn't get back to sleep well after that.  He's the kind of person that if he's not sleeping, you're not sleeping.  He got up in the morning and let the dog out and got the boys ready for the day and school but then kept coming in the room every 10 mins to ask a stupid question or look for something or try and lay back down with me, so I'm tired.

After having a stellar day and night yesterday the pup had a set back today.  I've been taking him out whenever he looked like he was anxious or pawing at the door, basically every 60-90 mins, and even had him in the fenced yard with the boys when I made dinner and of course as soon as I had all my boys and my pets eating he went into his crate and made a mess.  I don't know why I took it personally but it put me immediately in a bad mood and I feel like a complete failure because I couldn't manage the boys, the meal, and the dog.  For a few hours I felt like I made a huge mistake in getting the dog, because I knew going into this that with my husband's work schedule a lot of this would fall on me.  Its why I wanted to get an older dog.  I've never potty trained a dog before, and it was a nightmare with my boys.  I don't know what I'm doing.   I've read tons of books and articles and watched how to videos but I feel like an idiot because I'm failing at this.  My husband hasn't been lucky enough to have to clean up after the dog so he doesn't share my frustration.  He's also the only one of us with experience in potty training puppies and he's never home.  Have I lost my mind in signing on for this?

I haven't had nearly enough to drink today and now I've got an upset stomach and a headache.  I didn't make the greatest dinner from a dieting stand point, but I needed to make something I could finish in as short a period as possible.  I made macaroni and cheese, not the box stuff, homemade but still not the greatest food choice.  I used a lot of low fat and healthier ingredients but still mac and cheese isn't smart, but it tasted really good.  I was trying to comfort myself with food and now I'm in the self-hating regret stage of it all. 

On top of everything I can't seem to work the whole blogger thing, I can't comment on the blogs I follow and it keeps randomly signing me out when I'm reading.  I have been reading all of your blogs and countless times I've wanted to say something to you guys and rarely does it work at all.  What the heck am I doing wrong?  That seems to be the question I've been asking myself about everything lately, maybe that should have been the title of this blog.

Moving on

So we had to adjust to all the things that are going on, and have been sort of.  My husband is trying to get all his paper work changed so that he'll be able to re-apply for his school in January.  Maybe by then the army will be willing to let him go.
My grandmother is doing much better.  She's healing from her surgery and her latest testing came back negative for cancer so for now she won't have to go through chemo or radiation.    She's scared but hopeful, I really wish I could be closer to be of more help. 
The construction crew has begun working on the other homes in our row so we are thinking we'll be getting a call soon to move so I've been going through things and cleaning under furniture while we wait.

We also did something kind of impulsive over the weekend. We had been talking about getting a dog for the past year, we;d been looking at breeds we thought would be good for the family and weighing the costs of getting a puppy versus trying to rescue again. We had a really bad experience with a rescue in the past, she was a good dog, she just didn't fit with our family because she wasn't safe around children and was nervous around strange people which is a problem for military life because there are always people around. We have a cat we rescued along with his brother whom lives with my mom, so we figured it would be okay to buy a puppy. We have been looking at breeders online but found out that a few puppy stores were near by and on a whim went to have a look. The first place smelled aweful and was tiny and full to the brim with over-priced puppies but there was a few we would have taken a second look at. The second store seemed even less promising until we walked in and saw

This is Duncan our five month old rough collie!

We had been talking about getting a collie but couldn't really find a breeder close to where we live or for a reasonable price.  We took one look at him and knew we were going home with him and luckily he was on sale due to his age and lack of interest in this area for his breed.  I only feel badly that we had to leave his brother behind.  We felt silly for a few hours but as soon as we had him home and he adjusted we realized he was the missing piece to our family.  He's so sweet and smart and well behaved.  He wasn't potty trained at all when we got him and he's already learned to try his best to go outside.  We've only had two accidents since he's been home and for some reason he only goes in his crate so its easy to clean.  We only got the crate because he had been living in a small space at the store, about 4 by 8 and we thought he'd be more comfortable sleeping there, plus we thought it would be safer introducing him to the cat that way.  Turns out he's the one that needed to be protected from the cat and the crate is a safe place for him to sleep!
I've been walking him for the most part, and getting up in the wee hours to take him out which is good for exercise.  Especially because with all the stress I've been under lately I've managed to gain ten pounds.  I haven't been getting enough exercise and I haven't been eating on a good schedule because of the heat, plus we've been getting a lot of convenience stuff because its just too hot to cook.  I know with the puppy I'll be getting more exercise so I need to buckle down and do the work emotionally and with my eating.  I like my walks with the pup, he'd never been on a leash and we were worried, but he took to it in no time and doesn't pull and will walk right beside me looking up to me for cues.  We walk all over post and he doesn't try to chase after things or jump on other people or dogs.  We've introduced him to the other pups on our street and he's making friends already.  Can you tell how happy I am with him!!!

Went home for a visit and the bad news kept coming and coming

Not the best last couple of weeks around here for my family.  Two weeks ago we headed upstate to visit family and plan for a move we had been trying to make to be closer to friends and loved ones and give our kids a better sense of where they come from.  Being in the military hasn't been the greatest for giving them roots.  We had plans for camping and a family reunion and seeing as many people as we could.  Normally going home has me anxious and filled with an overwhelming sense of dread.  I don't have the best relationship with a lot of my family and they hate my husband so its a strain every time.  This time though I was uncharacteristically optimistic.  God I wish I hadn't been so naive.

The trip started nice enough, we got in late and the next day dropped the kids with family and went camping with our oldest and dearest friends, we were both in a good mood.  Saturday we went to see his parents and they agreed to watch the kids so we could see a movie.  While we were out we got to see his cousin and his aunt who happened to be in town and we had a great date night.  Then Sunday came and the whole week feel apart from there.

Sunday was the scheduled family reunion for my side, and only one cousin and his family showed up which was annoying at the time but got sad from there.  One entire side didn't come because my cousin Justin found out his wife had been cheating on him for  a long time, he found out the night before.  And then I called my aunt to see if she was coming and she let me know that my grandmother has cancer and doesn't know right now how bad its going to be.  SO I made plans to see my grandma that week and tried to get some family on board for that. From there our plans didn't seem to matter anymore.

Then on Wednesday my cousin justin and the rest of our small town got some awful news.  His sister-in-law, who he had been staying with until the night before, had gone missing and was later found buried in a local park.  The whole family got turned upside down all over again.  The next day we were meeting with my gram and because of all the mess only some of us could be there but I was glad I was and she looked good and even though she was feeling like hell she was glad to see us and I was so happy to see her.  I found out during our visit that a lot of people had been looking for my dad and as far as anyone knew he had been living in Virginia up until about 6 months ago, but was trying to move to California for work so we may never be able to find him for sure.

So we left for home a bit early after the whole week and have been waiting since then to hear if we'll be able to move back close to home.  With my gram sick and my family going through a tough time right now, its where I want to be.  But it looks like we'll have to stay were we are for at least the nest 18 months or so which isn't what we wanted.  We haven't been able to get upstate as often as we'd like because of gas costs and lack of free time.  we live about 4 hours drive from our family and its the closest we've ever been.  But a few long weekends and a couple of weeks out of the year doesn't lend itself to being close.  My gram had a kidney removed this year and no one thought to tell me she'd even been sick.   We have spent the last year getting ready for this move and now its not going to happen.  I still don't know how to process all this yet.

I haven't gained weight, through all of this I haven't lost weight but I haven't gained it.  I've been trying to be aware of what I'm eating and doing because I know how badly stress effects me.  But I don't think I'm processing my emotions well.I need to try and be present in this, to allow myself to feel the sadness and worry and disappointment without trying to cover it with food or push it down and not deal with it. I'm trying to stay positive for my kids but I don't want them to grow up thinking its okay to hide their emotions all the time either. 
Well that's what I've been trying to live through for the last couple of weeks, hope you guys are having a much easier time of it.