Friday, June 24, 2011

Went home for a visit and the bad news kept coming and coming

Not the best last couple of weeks around here for my family.  Two weeks ago we headed upstate to visit family and plan for a move we had been trying to make to be closer to friends and loved ones and give our kids a better sense of where they come from.  Being in the military hasn't been the greatest for giving them roots.  We had plans for camping and a family reunion and seeing as many people as we could.  Normally going home has me anxious and filled with an overwhelming sense of dread.  I don't have the best relationship with a lot of my family and they hate my husband so its a strain every time.  This time though I was uncharacteristically optimistic.  God I wish I hadn't been so naive.

The trip started nice enough, we got in late and the next day dropped the kids with family and went camping with our oldest and dearest friends, we were both in a good mood.  Saturday we went to see his parents and they agreed to watch the kids so we could see a movie.  While we were out we got to see his cousin and his aunt who happened to be in town and we had a great date night.  Then Sunday came and the whole week feel apart from there.

Sunday was the scheduled family reunion for my side, and only one cousin and his family showed up which was annoying at the time but got sad from there.  One entire side didn't come because my cousin Justin found out his wife had been cheating on him for  a long time, he found out the night before.  And then I called my aunt to see if she was coming and she let me know that my grandmother has cancer and doesn't know right now how bad its going to be.  SO I made plans to see my grandma that week and tried to get some family on board for that. From there our plans didn't seem to matter anymore.

Then on Wednesday my cousin justin and the rest of our small town got some awful news.  His sister-in-law, who he had been staying with until the night before, had gone missing and was later found buried in a local park.  The whole family got turned upside down all over again.  The next day we were meeting with my gram and because of all the mess only some of us could be there but I was glad I was and she looked good and even though she was feeling like hell she was glad to see us and I was so happy to see her.  I found out during our visit that a lot of people had been looking for my dad and as far as anyone knew he had been living in Virginia up until about 6 months ago, but was trying to move to California for work so we may never be able to find him for sure.

So we left for home a bit early after the whole week and have been waiting since then to hear if we'll be able to move back close to home.  With my gram sick and my family going through a tough time right now, its where I want to be.  But it looks like we'll have to stay were we are for at least the nest 18 months or so which isn't what we wanted.  We haven't been able to get upstate as often as we'd like because of gas costs and lack of free time.  we live about 4 hours drive from our family and its the closest we've ever been.  But a few long weekends and a couple of weeks out of the year doesn't lend itself to being close.  My gram had a kidney removed this year and no one thought to tell me she'd even been sick.   We have spent the last year getting ready for this move and now its not going to happen.  I still don't know how to process all this yet.

I haven't gained weight, through all of this I haven't lost weight but I haven't gained it.  I've been trying to be aware of what I'm eating and doing because I know how badly stress effects me.  But I don't think I'm processing my emotions well.I need to try and be present in this, to allow myself to feel the sadness and worry and disappointment without trying to cover it with food or push it down and not deal with it. I'm trying to stay positive for my kids but I don't want them to grow up thinking its okay to hide their emotions all the time either. 
Well that's what I've been trying to live through for the last couple of weeks, hope you guys are having a much easier time of it.