Monday, May 23, 2011

Taking Time For Fun

This past weekend was the first weekend, other then the week vacation we had in march, since before Christmas that my husband has had off of work.  So aside from the list of things that needed doing which I've had in my head for months, my uncle told me not to forget to have some fun.  So we did.  We went to a local fair and saw some really cute shows that were free with the very low price of admission.  The boys got to feed and pet some animals from around the world and we went on a ride together, which we hadn't planned but we ran into an mp we knew and he gave us some tickets!  The whole afternoon was fun and stress free.  We've had a ton of rainy nasty weather lately, and that day was supposed to be the same, but Saturday stayed mild and warm and nice all the way through!  I really needed it!

This weekend is my wedding anniversary, its actually the anniversary of the day we started dating as well, we got married on the same day three years later.  So this is our seventh wedding anniversary and we've been together now for a decade!  Most of the time I don't feel old enough to have spent almost half my life with someone, it surprises me every year even though it shouldn't.  It also brings up some unresolved feelings because my mother isn't a fan of my husband and refused to come to the wedding, or to allow my siblings to be there.  My dad was actually there in a rare attempt at being a stand up guy he even gave me away.  So my wedding day was a little bitter sweet.  The ceremony was beautiful, we were married on a friends dock on the lake at sunset.  My husbands best friend was ordained online and married us, it was a small event mostly immediate family and a few friends, only about 23 people altogether. 

This weekend we are going to have dinner out with the boys and just enjoy each others company. We decided to cancel plans to go upstate and visit family while my husband is on vacation, and stay here and relax instead.   I was so stressed out just thinking about going upstate, and we would have had to pull the boys out of their last week of school, its so much better this way.  I'm really looking forward to spending some time with my boys and my husband even if it means missing my hometown parade!

I also stopped taking the victoza I was on.  The daily needle was getting more and more painful, and I started having bad stomach and intestinal pain, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I'm making an appointment to see my primary and seeing what other options are around because its just causing me too much stress.   I initially tried to take it every other day to see if that helped because I was already on the lowest dose, and I noticed the days I didn't take it I felt a lot better, now I've been off it for three days and feel even better so no more.

  I've been walking a lot but I haven't gotten back to the gym in a few weeks and I know I need to.  Its harder now with the kids about to be done with school and the husband working days but I'll have to figure it out soon.  I'm drinking a lot more water and trying to eat better and move around more, I've also been reading a lot and I enjoy it so its good for me I just need to find a way to read and move at the same time!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Getting Out Of My Way

The last week has been like a private battle in my mind.  I'm going through some things and I've been keeping it inside like I always do and wondering why I'm still having the same issues.  Pretty stupid I know but I've always been good at getting in my own way.  I'm beginning to realize that despite my best efforts at denial, I really do emotionally eat.  I use food to stuff the feelings away because I don't want to feel them.  Then I feel shameful and angry at myself for eating something I shouldn't, even a small amount, and stop eating regularly because I think I need to make up for it and my whole system gets messed up.  I'm the kind of person that if I forget to take a vitamin for a couple of days I stop taking them all together because I get so hard on myself for failing in the first place.

I don't know why I feel the need to punish myself when I make a mistake, but I do.  I think part of me is trying to keep myself this heavy because I don't think I deserve to be happy and thin. I've been punishing myself for years because I'm unhappy and I feel like I've made poor choices in life.  Instead of trying to correct my mistakes I keep myself  feeling the pain of them every day.  I'm stuck in the moment of failure and I can't seem to get myself out of it.  There are so many things that I want from life that are dependent on me loosing the weight, and I suffer from the want of them daily, but I don't loose the weight.  I just keep getting in the way of myself over and over again and living in that place of pain instead of climbing my way out of it.

Lately I've been having dreams about my dad and that never helps.  He was always so hard on me, harder then I am even.  Nothing I did was ever good enough because I always fell short of perfect.  When I was 12 he left my family for another woman and for the next 7 years I would see him still but it wasn't the same.  When I had my first son he came to the hospital and made amends of sorts and was a part of my son's life til we moved to Germany with the army.  I stayed in contact and when I was home the summer my second son was a baby, 5 years ago, we saw each other regularly. He was living with a new family and wanted my brother and I to get to know some kids we thought would be our step-siblings.  I left for Germany in September and when I sent my Christmas card that year it was returned un-opened.  My brother called and found out that 5 weeks after I left my father went to work and didn't come home.  He moved to North Carolina with a someone he met at work and never came back.  No one has heard from him in five years and I still can't wrap  my head around it.  I wasn't raised by someone who could do that, at least that's what I thought.  I know my father moved out when I was 12 but he didn't stop talking to his entire family, he didn't completely escape his responsibilities as a father, and it wasn't a secret that he was leaving.  My parents marriage had never been stable and frankly we were all relieved that the fighting had stopped, my parents became friends after the divorce was final it was easier on them both not to be living with each other.  

 Why can't I get passed this?  How could the person whom raised me to be a moral, honest, hard working person do something so awful?  Where is my dad?  How do I tell my kids about him when I feel like I don't know who he is?   I know I need to process this and move on, I know these unresolved feelings are helping to keep me stuck but its so crazy that its hard to believe sometimes that's its a fact of my life.  My father could be dead right now and I have no way of knowing.  Every time a number I don't know comes up on my phone I wonder.  I pray about it but I keep it to myself.  I don't know how to explain how I feel about it to people and I don't want to burden people unnecessarily with this either.  So here it is in the blogger universe.  I just needed to say something somehow sorry if it was too personal for people, I'm not looking for sympathy or judgement or answers really, I have faith that I'll get there on my own someday, well I'm trying to.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day!!

Happy Mother's day to all the mom's and soon to be mom's out there in the blogger universe.  Hope everyone has a wonderful time celebrating with their little ones or their own mother's today. Give your mother a call or a hug if you can, we wouldn't be here without them!

My day has been pretty typical, husband is working, kids are pretending to clean their playroom, and I'm getting the laundry done for the week.  But I guess its a fitting way to spend mother's day, doing everything I do as a mother!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

weekend homebound just another frustration

Last weekend's cub scout camping trip went well.  The husband had to work so he dropped us off and helped us set up before he took off for the night.  I helped two other people with their tents and rounded up children til mine were ready for bed and then attempted to sleep in my new sleeping bag.  It fit around me but was about 5 inches too short for me so I froze, April in New York isn't that warm by day so at night in a tent its downright frosty.  When did they start making everything shorter.  I'm not that tall, but more and more I find things to be too short for my use.

The next day my little tiger cub moved up to a wolf cub, I was so proud of him.  Its a huge step for us because its so hard for my little guy to participate in things long term.  He's autistic, and as high functioning as he is sometimes the world isn't understanding enough for him to join in.  We have an amazing scouting organization here and they made this year a joy for all of us which means the world to me. The day was filled with fun stuff for the boys and families, these people are truly amazing in everything they do!

The rest of the week has been rough because I got a touch of the stomach flu. I'm feeling a lot better today but my husband is working days this month and that means a 12hr shift on the weekend, which means he's gone til 8pm, basically the whole day.  Being home with the boys is fine, but a weekend stuck home kind of sucks hardcore.  The boys have been good so far but only so much time with mommy is fun and I've just about run out!