Easter, the stomach flu and getting back on track

So I had been going to the gym with the husband for awhile, and then he and the boys were sick last Thursday and Friday with the stomach flu and being the only healthy person I was nursemaid for a few days which I let be an excuse not to work out.   I don't like to go to the gym without my husband and I let that keep me home.  Then Easter weekend came with all the cooking, egg hiding and dyeing, and the basket making left for me to do because my husband had to work 12 hr night shifts on the weekend, which is rough for him and sucks for us all.  I went to bed at 4 am before Easter and was back up at 7:30 am when the giggling of excited children was too loud to ignore.  So Sunday I cooked and did little else, by 8:30 pm I was falling asleep in the chair and took myself to bed.

  Monday I got up still exhausted and feeling completely run down and I couldn't shake it.  I went to the gym and got through most of my workout( All but 7 mins of my tread mill cool down) and then starting feeling really nauseous.  I thought I had just worked out really hard but by the time I got home the dizziness and shakiness had set in and I realized that I now had the darned stomach flu.  I got it worse then everyone else and have been sick since , but at least I got through that workout on Monday!  Today I am feeling nearly human in the since that I can eat normal food, in smaller portions which is fine, still some tummy pain but I've been trying to drink plenty of liquids and have spent less time counting bathroom tiles so I'm happier.  The problem is tomorrow is my husbands birthday, so my weight loss challenge is over.

Did I loose the weight he wanted me to, no, but I have gotten back down the ten pounds I'd gained over vacation and being sick the last time, due in part to being sick again so time will tell if its a maintainable loss.  I was 25 pounds short of the goal, and I'm trying really hard not to be upset about it.  I still feel like I'm letting him down in a big way, and myself for that matter.  I haven't done a good job of reaching my goals this year and its a failing on my part.  But tomorrow I'll be back to working out again and I'll be back to having to portion control and calorie count, if I can stomach it yet.  I need to not let myself get so run down all the time.  I exhaust myself taking care of everyone else and then have to take two steps back getting myself put back to rights.  Some day I'll learn how to keep life more balanced, til then I'll be faking it til I make it I guess!

Working It

So I've been going to the gym with my husband for about a week now and its going ok.  I don't really have too much trouble working out, even for my size, like today was a cardio day and I do 30 mins on the elliptical, 15 on the bike and 15 on a treadmill and I keep up pace with people a third my size.  On weight lifting days I do a routine that actually a little harder then the one my husband does, with more cardio.  This leads me to get really discouraged when I start going to the gym because for some reason I'm one of those people that gains weight the first week and doesn't see any results for weeks on end.  I've got my calories down and math wise I am creating a calorie deficit of about 5 pounds each week, I should be loosing five pounds at least each week.  This week so far I've gained four.  It happens every single time I start working out at the gym, my husband says I should just not look at the scale for the next three months or so.  I've been down this road so many times that I'm trying not to get discouraged by it all.  I'm learning that my body is really resistant to change and I have hope in time it will work out, even if it makes zero sense to me now.

I've been trying to do some de-stressing things to help me get through this rough patch, I've stopped drinking soda of any kind, had been drinking diet soda, a lot for a long time.  I also listen to music more, doing that now actually, made my own channel on pandora about a year ago and it doesn't let me down. I drink a cup or two of coffee about twice a week, that's about all the caffeine I've been taking in and I think its helping.  I need sleep, I've had problems with insomnia off and on since I was a kid, its usually triggered by depression and that's always going to be something I have issues with.  Being overweight and feeling unhappy with myself doesn't help.  But I'm a work in progress and I'm actually doing the work, so here's hoping there's progress!

Gym day number one

The word for today would be cardio.  I spent some time today getting re-acquainted with the elliptical, the tread mill and the bike.   I got through a pretty good work out and my husband got through his so we were both pretty happy when we left today.  I'm exhausted but I made it through and tomorrow is all about the nautilus machines, we too shall meet again. 

I also found a pretty good dessert today that satisfies my love of cheesecake for 150 calories!  Its a chocolate rice cake with a 1/2 serving of sugar free cheesecake flavored pudding and a serving of light whipped cream! It makes a pretty big serving and tastes really good. 

I managed to keep my calories on point today, killed it at the gym, visited our school book fair, make a pretty good dinner and a really great dessert, and keep myself from feeling too completely overwhelmed today.  I also drank a ton of water and changed when I take my medicine, mostly because I forgot to yesterday.  I'm hoping that everything I change up  works out for me this week. 

Working out my work out plans

So its back to the drawing board as far as my work out routine goes.  I'm in the research phase of figuring out the plan going forward.  I'm heading back to the gym tomorrow to shake things up.  I'm taking my husband along for moral support and to keep the people who work there off my back, when your heavy at an MWR gym they follow you like you're trying to steal something.  I think its a liability thing they think the silly fat girl is going to hurt herself and/or break something and it needs to be watched carefully or something.  My husband told me to bring a clip board because then I'll look official enough to be left alone!

My hope is to be able to change up my routine enough to shake up my metabolism and maybe get it working again.  I started taking a better vitamin and it is helping, I feel more awake but I'm still feeling really sluggish in the morning so I got an Italian coffee pot that makes just two small cups of strong coffee which should keep my calories down and eyes open.  I've been making coffee just once a day and giving one cup to my husband, and a lot of doctors say that just one to two small cups of coffee are good for you so I'm giving it a go for awake-ness.

I have been doing better in a lot of ways lately, even if I haven't had a perfect week, I'm not letting myself  get in my own way as much.  ANd really I'm my worst problem, but we all are in the simplest and most complex ways.  We sit in the road to success staring backwards at all our mistakes instead of looking forward to a better future.  When we do look down that road at all the things we need to accomplish we tell ourselves its too hard, its too long, its not worth it, I can't do it.  When that road only asks us to take one step at a time, one day at a time, one goal at a time in the right direction.  It wills us one by one with the promise that we can get there in time, it is achievable.  I am my own worst enemy, but I'm also my own best friend, and I need to be a better friend to myself.

Doing Better Today

Had a better day yesterday, spent some time in my kitchen which makes me happy, cooking calms me down and I know the kitchen can be the danger zone for someone as overweight as I am but its a good stress release for me and I don't snack along the way so its usually not a problem.  I made cabbage rolls from an old family recipe, I tweaked it a little though.  I used lean ground turkey and brown rice, made my own tomato sauce and added grated onion and carrot to both the sauce and the rice mixture for added veggies and natural sweetness.  It was just as good as my mom makes and my kids actually liked it, plus I had lots of leftovers so dinner tonight is a reheat and eat night which gives me some time back.  I even did a bowing work out while the rice was cooking!

I just want to thank everyone who reads my blog and especially Jacqui for your kind and positive words, it really means a lot to me to have people to share my struggles and my triumphs with.  Other then my husband I don't have much support in this, and reading your blogs and sharing mine helps.  I think a lot of my slump could have been helped if I'd been on here everyday reading and thinking like I had been, at the very least I could have posted my struggles sooner and gotten a little relief in the telling.  I'm already feeling a lot better then I was a few days ago because I'm talking about it.  I hear all the time about the importance of a support network and I always felt a little defeated for not having one in my day to day life, I'm just starting to see how this blog and those that I follow are creating that network for me, so thank you guys!!! 

Where Did I Go?

Where DID I go?  I'm not really even sure.  I kind of lost myself there for awhile.  I got sick and then went home on vacation and when I got back I just stayed in that no dieting no exercising no caring mentality.  My husband has been doing anything he can to try and re-motivate me but I've just kind of let it all go.  I haven't gained any weight back which is a blessing in itself, but I don't really keep track of anything and haven't done much more then walk.  Spring allergies haven't helped, 15 mins outside and I'm a teary eyed nose running mess.  My husband got me the biggest loser game for kinnect, has offered to take me swimming almost every day, swats cookies and garbage out of my hands at the grocery store, and is even competing in a weight loss competition at work himself, trying to help motivate me.  I just get mad and don't want to talk about it.  Why don't I want to face it?  Its not like its going anywhere. 

I keep telling myself tomorrow I'm going to get it together, then I start my day and begin with good choices and plan on working out, then by noon all I want to do is take a nap.  And I know part of the reason.  My blood work came back and I am iron deficient, and my vitamin D levels are low which is normal coming out of the winter for most people.   I take a multivitamin with iron in it and around my time of the month I make sure to eat iron rich foods, but I guess its not been enough. So I'm tired all the time, my husband had thought I was just being lazy, but its a deficiency.  I am going to try and take pre-natal vitamins like my doctor told me, but they made me sick before so I'm not thrilled with the idea.  I need energy that I'm just not getting.  I'm so tired lately I don't even want to work out because I'm worried I won't have the energy to get through my day, it sounds silly but I get so worn out that its a real concern for me. 

My husband asked me to loose 30 pounds for his birthday.  He asked me a few weeks ago, giving me about 60 days in which to do it.  It seemed so much more doable at the time because it was before I got really sick.  I was out for about a full week when I got sick, I even had to go to the ER because I was coughing so bad it was tearing my throat and I was bringing up blood, they were worried I would cough so hard I'd crack a rib. I was still getting better, slowly, when we headed home to see the family and that week was hectic and busy so by the time we got back I was exhausted for a few days after.  That was two weeks ago and I'm still making excuses for myself, now I'm down to a month and I have only gotten down about 3 pounds.  I don't want to disappoint him, he's been trying so hard to help me, but I feel like if I try and fail then I'm letting him down on his birthday.  The stress of this is making me mad all the time and I don't want to be like that.