Doctor's next guess

So today I went to see my endocrinologist whom is still convinced that I'm insulin resistant and pre-diabetic even though they tested my sugars and everything came back fine.  He did finally talk me off the metformin that was making me sick to my stomach on a daily basis, for the time being.  Instead I now have to inject myself with victoza on a daily basis.  Its a drug for people who have diabetes and even though I don't he told me to just take it and disregard any of the instructions that deal with being diabetic, which is kind of all of them.  The grand plan is to eventually put me back on the metformin combined with the new stuff, yeah.  Did I mention I have to inject myself with a needle every day!

I guess it will be a good scare for me, going through the process of having to inject myself with something everyday in this instance should be temporary and if I stick to my weight loss plan and take care of myself I should be able to avoid ever getting type 2 diabetes and dealing with the possibility of daily insulin.  I don't have a problem with needles, I just feel a bit icky having to do it to myself, and yes icky is a technical term.

The weather here has been consistently terrible, it is winter, so I haven't been able to swim like I had wanted, I may still be able to go on Saturday so fingers crossed for that.  Today I shoveled snow for a different sort of work out, drank my usual amount of a ton of water and finished reading the 17 day diet.   We are thinking about starting it on February 1st.  The diet in the book was very similar to things like Dr. Phil's glycemic index diet, the south beach diet and other restrictive diets along the same lines of low-carb, low-fat, high protein diets.  There were some helpful things but I wouldn't have called it revolutionary as far as its message.  We'll be giving it a try and seeing if it works, I'll post our progress and if it seems to have some merit I'll put some of the meal plans and the basic gist of it here in my blog.

Good lord its cold outside!

Woke up this morning to -5 degrees, before the wind chill, and realized I had to walk my children back and forth to school 3 times in this cold, but its good exercise right?  My husband is back on days so its me back to walking at least 2 miles a day back and forth from the school which is good, I live in the mountains so the hills make for good exercise and get me outside for at least 30 mins each round trip, I see my neighbors and the fresh air is nice, but today it was so cold I almost turned around and called the boys in sick!  We wrapped ourselves in layers and forged on through the cold. 

My weigh in this week was just like last week, no change, its crazy to me.  My solution was I got weight training bands and I'm going to add more weight training to my routine and if I'm not completely tired from the extra walking and my regular stuff, I'll also add 30 mins more to my 60 mins of cardio, does that seem like I lot, I guess we'll see.  This leaves less time for other stuff, but I'm making a point to not let my blog suffer, or my monthly goals.  I'm only going to get two more days in the pool, but I think I can add 4 laps with each trip and still make my goal of 40.  My weight loss goal isn't even close, but I think maybe I'll get some answers when I have my next doctors appointment.

Other then the cold and the scale not budging I've been thinking about going back to school.  My husband is hoping to go to college in the fall and I'd like to finish my degree as well.  I started college before the boys were born and finished my freshman year, but that's it.  Its well past time that I go back and finish my degree. I'm a little back and forth about my degree, but I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go.  Its about time for me to get my stuff together!

Brick walls were made for running in to

So after a few weeks of meager/non-existant weight loss, which to be honest follows a nine month trend of non-existant weight loss, my husband has been back online looking for an answer to the whole thing.  For the most part we're both kind of tired of me being on a medication that makes me sick all the time for no good reason.  It was supposed to help me lose weight, and for a lot of people who are insulin resistant or have Poly-cystic Ovarian Disease it does help, not only to lose weight but in those issues as well.  The problem is I have neither issue and the medicine makes me sick to my stomach all day every day. It would be nice to get off of it.

My husband thinks I have an adrenal issue because the symptoms list reads like the story of my life, but the problem is its hard to get diagnosed.  Today we went  through the first round of doctors visits, a trip to my Primary who told me he could refer me to surgery for weight loss or shake my hand and wish me better luck with my endocrinologist.  So next thursday its off to see my endocrinologist and hope he'll order the tests my husband wants done.  My husband is a lab tech and was mad the Primary didn't order any tests because he was hoping to go to the next doc with the missing puzzle pieces but now he has to hope the other doc will let him run the labs in his lab because the other lab takes forever. But my primary said he didn't see the point in ordering tests he couldn't understand the results for, makes me feel real good about having him for a doctor!

Its a constant issue we have in having military doctors, they can do surgery, that they understand, but being weight loss resistant has them stumped.  They deal with everything else well, and to be fair its not exactly a daily issue for them, most of their patients have to keep in shape to keep their jobs.  Its just becoming harder to deal with working my butt off on a daily basis, keeping insane about my diet, drinking enough water for three people, and trying to keep the rest of my life in balance only to see meager if no improvement on the scale. 

I guess in the end its just hard for me to believe that there isn't just something I'm doing wrong, but if there is no one has caught it yet, not my team of doctors, not my super fit husband and not me.  I wish I could just pinpoint one issue that needed more work, one thing I could do just a little but better and the whole thing would just fall into place. I keep hoping that can still happen, in the meantime I'm going to get prodded and poked a few dozen more times just in case there's still some medical mystery that needs figuring out.

Week 2 weigh in, Same old me

No change this week, but I'm still figuring out my eating and working through my work out plan so I'm not terribly worried about it, I probably should be more frustrated then I am but I finally got back in the pool on thursday and that does wonders for my nerves.  Been boxing on the wii a lot as well, its become a bit of a competition with my husband over punch counts which makes me put in a little extra work to beat him.

He's been working 12 hour shifts all weekend though so I've been alone with the boys trying to get through hanging around the house but its only made a long weekend longer.  I have been re-learning the joys of mario kart and managed to catch a couple dramatic and sad movies my husband would never watch with me like the pianist and the legend of 1900.   Probably wasn't the best choice to watch three sad movies in a row because all it did was depress me a little, but nothing like a little friendly competition on the wii to bring the spirits up, kicking but and taking names always warms the soul!

Still drinking water and spending more time then I'd like running to pee but its good for me, at least that's what they tell me.  I managed to add 4 laps so I'm only 8 away from my monthly goal, so as long as I'm getting towards goals its progress.  I'll get there, maybe not when I wanted to, but I have the faith to see me through when the determination is harder to find. Will power doesn't seem like such a dirty word to me, and its getting easier to find in myself, which has been the biggest surprise of all!

So today was okay I guess

Not much happened today, I boxed again because everything here was still covered in snow and I wasn't leaving the house until it stopped snowing and the roads were plowed.  Everything was still closed when we did go out at 4:30 so we only managed to get gas and get the ear puddy stuff at the sporting goods store.  Its made for kids but I think I can still make it work, anything is better then a three day ear ache. 

Feeling a little housebound for the past couple of days, we've had so much snow here in the last three weeks that its been hard to go anywhere.  Plus the boys have been home from school twice in the since friday, so I didn't even get to walk them to school. But I've been keeping the meal planning up and drinking tons of water and working out a bit more each day since I'm not walking as much, hopefully its enough to make up for it. 

We're thinking about getting a weight bag set now that we've found one that can move with us.  I really enjoy the boxing and it would be easier to really train if I had some resistance.  Its something to think about.  We move a lot and really have no idea what amount of space we'll have from house to house so sometimes it hard to buy things that take any amount of space however helpful they may be. Every piece of furniture, lamp and wall decoration has to be thought out because the next house may have more windows then  this one, or a room could be a different shape, or we won't have the finished basement we have now.  Living like a nomad has its disadvantages, but access to to a gym for free, and a pool for free, and my husband getting to serve stateside is a blessing!

No pool, but still working my a** off

So for the last few days I've had an ear ache and been unable to swim until I find some of that putty you put in your ears when you swim. Not even sure if they make it anymore but since I can't swim I've had to try and push myself past the pain in my leg to get a really good workout everyday.  It means more ice, since I'm trying to stop taking the pain meds, but I'm still managing to get through.  Today was a biggest loser 60 min cardio work out at home and I managed to get through the whole thing which was great.  I even schooled the husband during a few of the exercises.  Yesterday it was boxing on the wii, did another hardcore workout and had took the first bowing exam which I past!

So after being slightly disappointed with my first weigh in, I decided to weigh myself yesterday to see if I was still having issues and I had lost 4 pounds from Saturday!  So its three down from where I started and that much closer to my months goal!  I know its just a little step forward but for me its something to be celebrated.  I spent 5 years working my butt off getting nowhere, my weight didn't budge more then two pounds either way for nearly 5 years.  It was good in the since that really no matter what I stuffed in my face I didn't get any bigger, but it sucked when I was working out and eating right and still not seeing any progress on the scale.  SO now that I am heading in the right direction, and my work is yielding progress it gives me hope that I'm going to get there!

So maybe no pool for a couple of days, and maybe I won't hit 35 pounds this month, but I'm working out 6 days a week, drinking plenty of water, writing in my blog and enjoying the process.  Every day the diet gets better, I plan more and think about not just my calorie intact but making sure I'm eating the right things at the right time of day in the right amounts.  Its a lifestyle change, for me it has to be, so even on days when I hate it and I wish I could just eat something easy and not think about it, I have my dreams and goals to see me through, and my husband keeping me honest, and my children keeping me strong, because in the end I know that they need this even more then I do, so a problem doesn't occur in their lives and so they get the mommy they deserve!

Sunday's are for Rest

So Sunday's are our free days.  Its the one day we don't workout, which means its the day I get caught up on everything else. Its important to have a day free to get ready for the week to come.  Its also important to have a day off for rest, and I needed it. I am so sore from yesterdays work out, and bruised from what I don't know.  So I slept in a little and have been drinking plenty of water, and eating small meals every 2-3 hours and sticking to the plan and hoping for the best.

I'm in a slightly better place emotionally, I think being still pretty tired hasn't helped.  I've been taking today to try and recenter myself and get to a good mind set for the week ahead.  I can do better, it will be fine.  I need to stress less, I can't get to a better place if I'm still living in my mistakes and disappointments.  I have a lot of support from my husband and a place to write out my frustrations.

Tomorrow I'll be going for a swim again and that always puts me in a good place.  When I've finished in the pool I feel like I've accomplished something and I had a great time doing it.  It helps me distress and I can still smile when I'm finished, I've been looking forward to it all weekend.  This is a new week, tomorrow is a new day, and I can still get to where I'm going even if I'm going a little slower then I'd like.

First weigh in, First road block

So today was my first weigh in and despite all the changes and work I've been doing, I gained a pound.  I've been kind of frustrated all day but I'm trying not to let this be a major road block for me.  I'm just going to look over where I may have misstepped and try to work out all the issues I've been having so I can move forward.  I've been in kind of a crappy mood all day which hasn't helped, but mostly I think that I'm just tired.  I'm hoping to get some sleep tonight, and start tomorrow with a better out look on what lies ahead.

I did manage to get in a pretty tough work out today, we did one of the biggest loser workouts, and it was pretty tough, even for my husband whom I gage all toughness by since he's in pretty good shape and has been through boot camp.  It was 60 mins of hard work that I mostly didn't want to do, I wish I didn't have such a bad attitude about it because I may have done a bit better.  Its hard to find motivation when you don't see good results, its something I've been struggling with for a long time.  I have all these plans to get the weight off as quickly as possible and my body is not following along with my plans.  I need to find a way to be okay with the process, even if it takes longer then I want it to.

Maintaining momentum

The weather here has kept me home today which is unfortunate because its the day before my first weigh in and I was hoping for an all out last chance workout in the pool.  Instead I had to work out at home which was okay because I unlocked the hardcore workout mode on my game and boxed my way through a pretty hard workout.  I still feel like I should do something else, but I'm afraid to over do it and create another injury for myself, so for now I think it will be enough, we'll see.

Along the lines of my other monthly goals, I wasn't able to swim do to the nearly 12 inches of snow that's fallen since 8 am, but I have been drinking lots of water,so much so I'm worried it may be too much, but my husband seems to think that's not really possible, we'll see.  As it turns out my daily goal of 110 ounces may not be enough anyway because of how much I weigh.  I read I'm supposed to drink half my body weight in ounces of water, that's 175 ounces daily!  That seems an enormous amount of running to the bathroom, but if I actually run its a few added mini work outs a day right!

I've been eating better and better as the week has progressed, I'm trying to eat smaller portions more times a day, but its hard for me to eat when I'm not hungry, and harder for me to control portions when I am.  Its another goal I'm working on this month, portion control, so add it to the list! Its a lot more time in the kitchen making meals and snacks throughout the day, but I'm hoping that if the husband helps out for some of it I won't get too frustrated and tired of being in there all the time.  Whats important is keeping this going and showing our children the right way to eat, we hope that learning it this early will prevent any problems for them in the future, right now they are both in excellent shape, neither of them seem to have inherited my metabolism which is a blessing from god really! 

I should have a few short term goals, right?

As I was swimming my way through my 16th or 17th lap in the pool today, I starting thinking that all my goals are my long term ones that I'm keeping to myself, for competition reasons.  Its not that I'm in a competition with any person officially, but between us we both have certain goals we'd like to meet before we see each other again in about 6 months, and neither of us will be too specific because we're both hoping to shock the other more.  So aside from that I haven't really thought about short term goals, like this month I'd like to loose X amount of pounds, or by the end of the month I'd like to swim X amount of laps in the 50 mins I swim.  I did 28 today for those of you paying attention which wasn't ideal but I didn't spend the whole swim session just doing laps, I also like to get in a bit of an aqua aerobics session. 

My problem with setting small term goals, and large ones, is that I have so much trouble meeting them that it tends to kill my motivation.  But its important to have attainable goals and to meet them because it helps keep you accountable to your weight loss journey, so here it goes, I'm going to set a few that I think should help
1.  I'd like to drink more water, for health, so by the end of the month I will be drinking at least 110 ounces of water per day
2.I will try my damnedest to lose 35 pounds by the end of the month, my first weigh in is Saturday so we'll see how far off track I am.
3. I'd like to be able to improve my lap times in the pool and be able to swim 40 laps in the pool within the next six weeks

There, goals set, they should all help each other in the process, it gives me something to work towards in the next few weeks, it takes my huge overall goal and gives me a number I can hopefully live with, which is also hard enough to keep me trying and hopefully keep me honest, we'll see how it goes! Good Luck to the rest of you!

Finding my flow

So I didn't make it to the pool yesterday, it was too much going on around here, but I did get a boxing work out in, and I made it to the pool today!  Swimming is so much easier on my leg as its healing, and I can move in the water much better then on land.  I think getting there a few times a week is really going to give me something that works, and that I look forward to.  I came home and made a simple lunch for my husband and me which was nice for us to have together because we don't get that much time together. 

Yesterday was so busy that I really could have given myself any number of excuses to not to, but I finished everything else I was working on and made the time because its important.  It was something I've always had problems with giving myself free passes until it becomes more the rule then the exception.  Then when I see no difference on the scale I give up all together.  But its like something has finally clicked, I know that there's no give up option, there never was.  I don't have time to waste anymore, its not going to get any easier, and the longer it takes the harder it will be. 

 Its early yet in the process, I know it will get harder to fit stuff in, I know things will happen to break my concentration, but I feel like I can deal with all that better now.  I'm trying to be more optimistic about this process, to enjoy myself along the way and keep focused on what I'm doing and where I'm going.  Its a long up hill battle, but I'm putting my climbing shoes on and getting going.  If I stumble I will pic myself up and dust myself off and get going again.

Pain is good, right?

Man am I hurting today.  Who knew boxing on a wii would be such a workout, I thought maybe I was just being a wuss, but the hubbie is hurting too and he's in a lot better shape then I am.  Today was a pilates day which is helping to stretch out my sore muscles and keeping me on track for a workout.  I finished mine and the husband is doing it now, he's hurting so bad he thought he needed it.  Normally he goes for a run, hits the gym, or does the Insanity workouts, but he's making pilates look manly. 

Its my son's birthday tomorrow so I'm a little worried because birthday's mean dinner out at the person's favorite place, its the only time we eat out really, but it also means cake. He's turning 7 so I still want him to have a cake, and I don't have to eat it but I know myself, I think its a waste of money that no one is eating it and I'll decide its my fiscal responsibility to see that it gets eaten.  Or my husband will and then he'll be mad at me.  We curb this usually by having cupcakes at the school because then I don't have to even be there, but then we get complaints from grandparents and family members because they didn't get to blow out candles, which seems kind of silly to me, but since we don't live near them they count on the pictures as a sense of connection so they guilt me into things easily. 

I'm also a little worried about having time to work out, I usually spend some time at the school on their birthday and that means something in my normal routine is going to get pushed aside, plus dinner out means about 30 mins to and hour longer for dinner then usual.  My husband is a great help, but time still gets away from me most days, there's just not enough of it.  But I've been making a point of being more diligent and I'm not giving myself wiggle room anymore.  I've got plans to swim tomorrow, and a time slot to do it in, that should help.  I pride myself on keeping appointments so there's half the battle, I think maybe this blog will be the giving point so if I don't check in, you'll know why. 

But hey, my son is turning 7 tomorrow, how great is that!

Fighting to live another day

Sorry about the text color, but today feels like a purple day, don't know why. Anyway back to the business at hand.  Today's workout was fun!  We have the gold's gym boxing game for the wii, and I did a workout which thankfully didn't stress the leg too much, my arms are pretty sore now though! Its still a bit weird for me, mixing video games and fitness, but in reality its not much different from a fitness dvd, just a bit more of a pain in the but because you to get timing down, which in video games I've never been great at.  I guess this just means I'll be working a little harder at it which is a good thing. I like that good happy tired feeling you get from finishing a hard work out, but like most people during the process I feel like its never going to end and I just want to quit.  The game kind of distracts me from the process, it leaves the clock watching out of it because I'm busy trying to concentrate on my timing in the game, its exactly what I need distraction from.

At a gym I'm the person who covers the timer on my machine with a towel and tries to pay attention to almost anything else, seeing that clock is just dis motivating.  I can be completely engaged with what I'm doing because in the back of my head I thinking of any excuse I can give myself for not going the whole 30 mins.  having time to bargain away my work out isn't an option, I need to be fully immersed, or well distracted.  I think its why sports work so well for people, your too busy competing and trash talking your friends to realize you've spent over 40 mins running up and down the court. I can't help but think that if I'd been better at sports, I'd never ballooned up to over 300 pounds. 

I think today's workout was so much fun because it was boxing.  There's something about taking a fighting stance that gives you a feeling of being in it.  Standing there with your arms up you feel like your ready to fight your way through no matter what, and that what I need to do.  My future is at stake here, I'm not blind to that.  I've been lucky so far not to be suffering too many of the consequences of my size.  But I'm on borrowed time as it is.  I can't be this weight any longer, my life depends on it.  I've been seriously thinking about training in boxing at a real gym to get myself in shape.  Mostly I just think making this fight a real one will give me a chance at life.

A Wobbley Start

So I thought with the official start being today I'd tell a little more of my story, maybe add a picture or two.  In addition every day I'll include my workout of the day, how I felt about it, a little about my diet approach and any pit falls or success's I may have along the way.  Its a fight to the finish, so I guess this blog will be my play by play.

Well about me.  I'm a stay at home mom with a husband in the military.  That means I'm on my own a lot, and pulling the duty of two parents when I am.  I'm tired most of the time which could be said about most parents.  My boys are 5 and 7, I was overweight before I got pregnant, and each pregnancy has added to the total weight of who I am now.  Being overweight both pregnancies where tough on me, I had issues with my gall bladder which resulted in surgery very soon after giving birth, and a large baby which resulted in another major surgery in having a c-section.  With that came hard recoveries and more weight gain.  I battled with weight before having children, since then its only gotten harder as I've gotten heavier.

At my heaviest I weighed about 370 pounds, that's shocking to me because I eat better then most people, always have.  I've been on a diet since I was 12, I know how to eat.  I also try to keep active, at my heaviest I still walked at least 3 miles a day and went to the gym at least twice a week.  When I talked to my doctors about this they wouldn't believe me, my husband had to come in and set them straight, I guess a man in a uniform is a more reliable source.  I've spent more then half my life on a diet, and all I've managed to do was get heavier.

About seven months ago I was put on medication for the first time and maybe its helped a little. A month before  I started working out on the Insanity program, with some modifications made because my weight puts stress on my ankles and wrists so some things needed to be done differently.  I didn't loose any weight before the medicine, even a month of insanity didn't budge my waistline.  Two months on the lowest dose of Metformin and working out on Insanity, and eating the restricted insulin resistant diet and I lost 29 pounds, but then I got hurt, my back gave out.  So I stopped working out for awhile and gained about 13 pounds back.  But those 13 pounds have been about it in the five months since all that happened.  Even with having stopped the completely restricted diet eating moderate carbs instead of almost none. 

So here I am still 354 pounds, no change which is better then gaining, but not quite progress.  And I've injured myself again which means work outs have to be modified even more.  I slipped as soon as the weather got cold and busted my leg, physical therapy is in my future, which means I may be able to get back to the gym soon, but for now its at home pilates modified so I'm not hurting myself, and a prayer that I don't put more weight back on like the last time. This is where I start, wobbling a bit, but trying to go back down again.