Has it really been two months

Has it really been two months, I guess it really has.  Well today is my 26th birthday so I thought it was as good a time as any for a post.  I've been terribly busy the last couple of months, especially since the first of November because its National Novel Writing Month and I have been busy trying to stay on track and get my number of words up when I've had a few free hours.  I'm nearly halfway to 50,000 but I need to get there before the thanksgiving because time after that flys by. 

Our niece was born early last month and it was touch and go for awhile, we were on the phone daily ready to drive up there at a moments notice if need be but she's doing much better now and will hopefully be going home soon.  We'll be heading home for thanksgiving this year and our hope if that we'll be able to spend some time with her and our cousin's baby who was also born healthy last month.  I'm just excited to see babies, its been a while since I've gotten to snuggle a baby and these little girls are so precious.

I did a full six weeks as a pretty strict vegan, an other then the initial 12 pounds or so nothing else came off and I was starting to feel sickly and weak all the time.  SO after a few days of wanting to die I slowly added some meat back into my diet.  White meat only and not everyday.  The taste of beef makes me want to be sick so I may never be able to eat that again, its been three months since any sort of cow meat has passed my lips and its hard to even cook it for my boys.  I can do dairy in small amounts but my stomach doesn't like it much and for some reason my system doesn't tolerate anything carbonated at all any more so no soda.

I think something is going on with my thyroid that my endocrinologist isn't getting, I know something is going on and I've been looking into it on my own.  A few times my levels have come back low, but he was more concerned with the possibility of me being diabetic because I am over weight.  Time and time again he's checked my blood sugar levels and they'd been great, smack dab in the middle of the normal range, never once in a place that would send off warning bells but for some reason he's treating me for insulin problems anyway.  So I stopped taking the meds and felt instantly better and then I stopped seeing him.  Now I'm at an impass because if something is wrong with my thyroid I need to see an endocrinologist and he's the one my insurance sends me too. I have to work through that I guess, we'll have to keep making appointments and try to fight this from every angle.

Today for my birthday I went to the school and had lunch with my youngest son, tomorrow I'm going to have lunch with my eldest.  We usually go out for supper but I'm trying to get around that somehow.  With the holidays coming I get really uptight about every penny spent because I want there to be money for the gifts after the bills get paid.  I even asked my husband not to get me a gift, which he them completely ignored, but he did spend a small amount which helped a little with my anxiety about the money.  I stress about everything, all the time.  I seriously need to let some of it go or I'm never going to get this weight off, I'll never get anywhere that way.

So being a vegetarian is okay I guess

So I've been living the loco vegan for almost three weeks now and its okay.  It can be kind of a pain in the butt to make things just for me while the rest of my family has something I would love that's still healthy but contains meat.  I'm tired of eating veggie burgers while they eat chicken burgers because there's very little difference nutritionally aside from the whole meat thing.  Mostly I'm just tired.  I;m not getting enough sleep or enough iron so my energy levels haven't been great and I've been sick with a cold so I'm whiny and annoying.

The problem is I've lost 10 pounds. And I know what your thinking, wheres the problem right?  The problem is this seems to be working and now I'm bummed out because the future is looking meatless and cheese less and egg less and that just makes me sad.  I happen to love meat and have no moral objections to the partaking of it.  I should right because I do love animals and the mass production of meat in this country is abominable.  But I grew up around farms and farmers, my family still puts a garden in every year and we're big believers in knowing where our food comes from.  I see no problem with responsible meat eating because quite frankly its wasteful not to make use of an animal once their gone and wastefulness was a sin in my household.

Aside from the near obsession with meat I've been trying to be more responsible.  I'm making good food choices cause its kind of hard not to, and I've been swimming nearly daily and walking up a storm with my puppy whom still hasn't quite decided that I'm going to get my way cause I'm the one in charge. And I drink water almost exclusively and as often as possible.

I;ve had some fun in the last few weeks, well tried to.  I went to our state fair and got to see Hot Chelle Rae and The Script in concert, both great but I went the day I did to see the Script which was amazing and wonderful!  I went on a boat ride with our local Frg and some other adults which was good for us all I think, I made vegan food for an international dinner and my sons class which both went over surprisingly well.  My younger son turned 6 and we surprised him with his friends and a party at what was supposed to be the family dinner.

Still haven't figured out what I'm doing wrong with the comment thing on the blogs I follow, I am reading up on you guys and I've had a thousand things to say and words of encouragement and love.  Every time I try I get a different error message so I don't even know how to fix the problem but I will say thank you for your stories and sharing your own journeys with us and I;m here in the background swearing at the computer trying figure it out!

A unique opportunity

So a unique opportunity has kind of fallen into my lap, well really its been there so a few months but I finally had the courage, or was fed up enough with my husbands nagging, to reach out for the help.  A soldier my husband works with at the hospital is training to be a nutritionist and fitness expert specializing in weight loss.  And while he's still training for this he has been helping out people for free.  I know how could I have been ignoring this for this long right.  I have a really hard time asking other people for help.

Well this kid(he's a bit younger then me so I reserve the right to call him kid) has been helping other people we know as well as members of his own family for a few years now and has been able to achieve some pretty impressive results.  And he's agreed to help me out as much as he can, he is a newlywed though so it might be limited.  This could really be an amazing chance for me so I'm trying to remain optimistic.  Who knows he may someday be a coach on biggest loser and I can be one of his success stories.

He came to talk to my husband and me yesterday about what I've been doing and what I'll be needed to do from now on.  He's said some things I've heard before but he had some new advice that has made me do a lot of thinking.  He wants me to cut out meat though and I'm kind of struggling with that.  I've given up a lot of things on the road to a healthier me.  I'm not sure I'm ready to part with meat, I know its possible, we so eat vegetarian occasionally for health reasons, but to become one full time seems daunting.  Plus I'm anemic and I worry already about my iron levels. I've got some decisions to make about how much of what he says is doable for me personally.

  IN the mean time a hurricane is coming so I hope all you fellow east coasters are in a safe place well away from the storm, we are just above any evacuation zones but there's still one hell of a storm on the way and we may be without power for a few days.  I'm a little worried about my basement flooding but I have no place to put things for safe keeping so we'll have to wait and see. Good luck to the rest of you!

What Happens when an overachiever stops being the best at everything?

I've been thinking a lot about why I seem to have hit such a long bought with depression because I know its whats been sitting in my way.  I used to be the kind of person that everything came easy to.  I made good grades and I had a lot of friends and I could charm anyone into seeing me as a happy fun person to be around.  Instead of being happy with myself I started to feel like if I couldn't keep that up no one would love me.  That if I wasn't the best at everything that I wasn't good for anything.  And then my dad took off and left me and my mother holding the bag.  At first I was able to keep at it, keep the grades and the friends and the achievements going but I started to put on weight.

Nearly 14 years later and I feel like all those things I was the best at are gone.  Every time I meet new people, instead of being that happy fun person, I'm the overweight braggart trying desperately to impress people into believing I still have some small measure of self worth.  Not surprisingly I'm the biggest I've ever been and I'm having a really hard time coming down in weight, so much trouble that I've been thinking about having surgery to correct my failure. 

So what happens to that overachiever isn't pretty.  I doubt myself in tasks I used to believe I was pretty good at, I have no love for myself because I feel like I've let everybody down by not being who they thought I'd be.  I ended up pregnant at 17 just like my mother, as she likes to point out every time I see her.  I've heard "you were such a smart girl and had the whole world ahead of you, why did you throw it all away," so many times it might as well be tattooed on my forehead. I live in a world I don't fit and I feel like I can't fit inside myself anymore. 

I'm trying to find a way to be okay with who ever I turn out to be and let go of the ridiculous expectations I had for myself a decade ago.  I want to think of it as introducing myself to who I'm going to be and see if I can get some of that spark back.  Somewhere in that charming girl who could do anything she put her mind to the real me existed.  I need to find a way to be okay if all those parts of her aren't there anymore.

Beginning again, again

My husband and I decided that since this school year both boys will be all day at school, that we should take the free time to work out.  He thinks I should be working out the whole 7 hours biggest loser style, but I've managed to talk him down to working myself up to that.  I didn't let myself get too emotional today, even while watching my youngest child put on his backpack and line up with his class to spend his first full day away from me in his entire life.  I didn't want to weigh down his excitement with my silly mommy sadness.  And I tried really hard not to ask him a million questions about how his first day went, we settled with about 20 so far I think. But he knew it was coming because his brother started second grade last week and I grilled him then too.  It still bothers me a little that they spend so much of their day with other people, I miss them terribly and spend way too much time "helping out" at school.

As for exercise, today I went swimming with my husband for about 80 mins.  The big earthquake that hit happened while we were in the pool so even though our neighbors say they felt it, we were completely unaware until we picked the boys up from school and everyone was talking about it.  I managed to get quite a few laps in even without my goggles and sharing a lane with my pool challenged husband.  We really need to find some adult swimming lessons for him if he's going to swim with me on a regular basis, he gets so discouraged watching everyone else swim and float with ease when he sinks like a stone. 

For the eating part, I've been following the principles of the Glycemic Index diet.  It has green light foods which I can have without having to think much about it and then yellow light things to avoid most of the time and red light foods to avoid all together.  Its fairly simple, common sense stuff but the recipes in the back are interesting and I think it'll be easier to keep at it because its not too hard. I"m drinking as much water as I remember to drink and trying to get in breakfast and a few snacks to keep my metabolism running more evenly throughout the day.  Having to walk a dog every 90 mins or so seems to be helping as well.  I'm trying to keep my head up this time and enjoy the journey as much as I can.

Another month without a word, sorry again

I went to my mother's for a visit at the end of July and spent two weeks wondering why we thought moving closer to home would be a good idea for our family.  I sound ungrateful right now which makes me feel guilty, but as nice as it was to see family and friends, it was a constant reminder of why we fought all the time and were unhappy and why I ended up getting over 350 pounds.  A lot of the time it was just sad how angry and selfish and out of touch my family has become. 

 Since my brother and sister had to come back home 8 months ago the anger in the house has just gotten worse.  Everyone walks around mad at everyone and it breaks my heart.  When my husband came up to get us and spend some time with his family we thought it would be a nice break from the drama at my mother's and it was even worse.  His parents were so angry and bitter the whole visit we only stayed for three hours and the kids, dog and i spent an hour of that time outside on the trampoline while his parents sat inside.  We ended up driving home a whole day earlier then planned. 

Since then we've been trying to get back into a routine because the boys go back to school in about a week.  I've also started getting back on track with eating and fitness and trying to train the dog.  The one good thing about our trip home was the puppy got to have a puppy play date with a dog his size and he was the happiest I've ever seen him. 

So here's to getting back on track and finding a bit of comfort in distance and praying for the strength to make it through.

Not having the best day

Firstly I'm tired.  I've been getting up between 4 and 5 am every morning, after having gone to bed around midnight, in order to bring the pup out since sunday.  I feel drained and the husband wouldn't let me sleep.  Last night was the worst because he woke up when I came back in with the dog and he didn't get back to sleep well after that.  He's the kind of person that if he's not sleeping, you're not sleeping.  He got up in the morning and let the dog out and got the boys ready for the day and school but then kept coming in the room every 10 mins to ask a stupid question or look for something or try and lay back down with me, so I'm tired.

After having a stellar day and night yesterday the pup had a set back today.  I've been taking him out whenever he looked like he was anxious or pawing at the door, basically every 60-90 mins, and even had him in the fenced yard with the boys when I made dinner and of course as soon as I had all my boys and my pets eating he went into his crate and made a mess.  I don't know why I took it personally but it put me immediately in a bad mood and I feel like a complete failure because I couldn't manage the boys, the meal, and the dog.  For a few hours I felt like I made a huge mistake in getting the dog, because I knew going into this that with my husband's work schedule a lot of this would fall on me.  Its why I wanted to get an older dog.  I've never potty trained a dog before, and it was a nightmare with my boys.  I don't know what I'm doing.   I've read tons of books and articles and watched how to videos but I feel like an idiot because I'm failing at this.  My husband hasn't been lucky enough to have to clean up after the dog so he doesn't share my frustration.  He's also the only one of us with experience in potty training puppies and he's never home.  Have I lost my mind in signing on for this?

I haven't had nearly enough to drink today and now I've got an upset stomach and a headache.  I didn't make the greatest dinner from a dieting stand point, but I needed to make something I could finish in as short a period as possible.  I made macaroni and cheese, not the box stuff, homemade but still not the greatest food choice.  I used a lot of low fat and healthier ingredients but still mac and cheese isn't smart, but it tasted really good.  I was trying to comfort myself with food and now I'm in the self-hating regret stage of it all. 

On top of everything I can't seem to work the whole blogger thing, I can't comment on the blogs I follow and it keeps randomly signing me out when I'm reading.  I have been reading all of your blogs and countless times I've wanted to say something to you guys and rarely does it work at all.  What the heck am I doing wrong?  That seems to be the question I've been asking myself about everything lately, maybe that should have been the title of this blog.

Moving on

So we had to adjust to all the things that are going on, and have been sort of.  My husband is trying to get all his paper work changed so that he'll be able to re-apply for his school in January.  Maybe by then the army will be willing to let him go.
My grandmother is doing much better.  She's healing from her surgery and her latest testing came back negative for cancer so for now she won't have to go through chemo or radiation.    She's scared but hopeful, I really wish I could be closer to be of more help. 
The construction crew has begun working on the other homes in our row so we are thinking we'll be getting a call soon to move so I've been going through things and cleaning under furniture while we wait.

We also did something kind of impulsive over the weekend. We had been talking about getting a dog for the past year, we;d been looking at breeds we thought would be good for the family and weighing the costs of getting a puppy versus trying to rescue again. We had a really bad experience with a rescue in the past, she was a good dog, she just didn't fit with our family because she wasn't safe around children and was nervous around strange people which is a problem for military life because there are always people around. We have a cat we rescued along with his brother whom lives with my mom, so we figured it would be okay to buy a puppy. We have been looking at breeders online but found out that a few puppy stores were near by and on a whim went to have a look. The first place smelled aweful and was tiny and full to the brim with over-priced puppies but there was a few we would have taken a second look at. The second store seemed even less promising until we walked in and saw

This is Duncan our five month old rough collie!

We had been talking about getting a collie but couldn't really find a breeder close to where we live or for a reasonable price.  We took one look at him and knew we were going home with him and luckily he was on sale due to his age and lack of interest in this area for his breed.  I only feel badly that we had to leave his brother behind.  We felt silly for a few hours but as soon as we had him home and he adjusted we realized he was the missing piece to our family.  He's so sweet and smart and well behaved.  He wasn't potty trained at all when we got him and he's already learned to try his best to go outside.  We've only had two accidents since he's been home and for some reason he only goes in his crate so its easy to clean.  We only got the crate because he had been living in a small space at the store, about 4 by 8 and we thought he'd be more comfortable sleeping there, plus we thought it would be safer introducing him to the cat that way.  Turns out he's the one that needed to be protected from the cat and the crate is a safe place for him to sleep!
I've been walking him for the most part, and getting up in the wee hours to take him out which is good for exercise.  Especially because with all the stress I've been under lately I've managed to gain ten pounds.  I haven't been getting enough exercise and I haven't been eating on a good schedule because of the heat, plus we've been getting a lot of convenience stuff because its just too hot to cook.  I know with the puppy I'll be getting more exercise so I need to buckle down and do the work emotionally and with my eating.  I like my walks with the pup, he'd never been on a leash and we were worried, but he took to it in no time and doesn't pull and will walk right beside me looking up to me for cues.  We walk all over post and he doesn't try to chase after things or jump on other people or dogs.  We've introduced him to the other pups on our street and he's making friends already.  Can you tell how happy I am with him!!!

Went home for a visit and the bad news kept coming and coming

Not the best last couple of weeks around here for my family.  Two weeks ago we headed upstate to visit family and plan for a move we had been trying to make to be closer to friends and loved ones and give our kids a better sense of where they come from.  Being in the military hasn't been the greatest for giving them roots.  We had plans for camping and a family reunion and seeing as many people as we could.  Normally going home has me anxious and filled with an overwhelming sense of dread.  I don't have the best relationship with a lot of my family and they hate my husband so its a strain every time.  This time though I was uncharacteristically optimistic.  God I wish I hadn't been so naive.

The trip started nice enough, we got in late and the next day dropped the kids with family and went camping with our oldest and dearest friends, we were both in a good mood.  Saturday we went to see his parents and they agreed to watch the kids so we could see a movie.  While we were out we got to see his cousin and his aunt who happened to be in town and we had a great date night.  Then Sunday came and the whole week feel apart from there.

Sunday was the scheduled family reunion for my side, and only one cousin and his family showed up which was annoying at the time but got sad from there.  One entire side didn't come because my cousin Justin found out his wife had been cheating on him for  a long time, he found out the night before.  And then I called my aunt to see if she was coming and she let me know that my grandmother has cancer and doesn't know right now how bad its going to be.  SO I made plans to see my grandma that week and tried to get some family on board for that. From there our plans didn't seem to matter anymore.

Then on Wednesday my cousin justin and the rest of our small town got some awful news.  His sister-in-law, who he had been staying with until the night before, had gone missing and was later found buried in a local park.  The whole family got turned upside down all over again.  The next day we were meeting with my gram and because of all the mess only some of us could be there but I was glad I was and she looked good and even though she was feeling like hell she was glad to see us and I was so happy to see her.  I found out during our visit that a lot of people had been looking for my dad and as far as anyone knew he had been living in Virginia up until about 6 months ago, but was trying to move to California for work so we may never be able to find him for sure.

So we left for home a bit early after the whole week and have been waiting since then to hear if we'll be able to move back close to home.  With my gram sick and my family going through a tough time right now, its where I want to be.  But it looks like we'll have to stay were we are for at least the nest 18 months or so which isn't what we wanted.  We haven't been able to get upstate as often as we'd like because of gas costs and lack of free time.  we live about 4 hours drive from our family and its the closest we've ever been.  But a few long weekends and a couple of weeks out of the year doesn't lend itself to being close.  My gram had a kidney removed this year and no one thought to tell me she'd even been sick.   We have spent the last year getting ready for this move and now its not going to happen.  I still don't know how to process all this yet.

I haven't gained weight, through all of this I haven't lost weight but I haven't gained it.  I've been trying to be aware of what I'm eating and doing because I know how badly stress effects me.  But I don't think I'm processing my emotions well.I need to try and be present in this, to allow myself to feel the sadness and worry and disappointment without trying to cover it with food or push it down and not deal with it. I'm trying to stay positive for my kids but I don't want them to grow up thinking its okay to hide their emotions all the time either. 
Well that's what I've been trying to live through for the last couple of weeks, hope you guys are having a much easier time of it.

Taking Time For Fun

This past weekend was the first weekend, other then the week vacation we had in march, since before Christmas that my husband has had off of work.  So aside from the list of things that needed doing which I've had in my head for months, my uncle told me not to forget to have some fun.  So we did.  We went to a local fair and saw some really cute shows that were free with the very low price of admission.  The boys got to feed and pet some animals from around the world and we went on a ride together, which we hadn't planned but we ran into an mp we knew and he gave us some tickets!  The whole afternoon was fun and stress free.  We've had a ton of rainy nasty weather lately, and that day was supposed to be the same, but Saturday stayed mild and warm and nice all the way through!  I really needed it!

This weekend is my wedding anniversary, its actually the anniversary of the day we started dating as well, we got married on the same day three years later.  So this is our seventh wedding anniversary and we've been together now for a decade!  Most of the time I don't feel old enough to have spent almost half my life with someone, it surprises me every year even though it shouldn't.  It also brings up some unresolved feelings because my mother isn't a fan of my husband and refused to come to the wedding, or to allow my siblings to be there.  My dad was actually there in a rare attempt at being a stand up guy he even gave me away.  So my wedding day was a little bitter sweet.  The ceremony was beautiful, we were married on a friends dock on the lake at sunset.  My husbands best friend was ordained online and married us, it was a small event mostly immediate family and a few friends, only about 23 people altogether. 

This weekend we are going to have dinner out with the boys and just enjoy each others company. We decided to cancel plans to go upstate and visit family while my husband is on vacation, and stay here and relax instead.   I was so stressed out just thinking about going upstate, and we would have had to pull the boys out of their last week of school, its so much better this way.  I'm really looking forward to spending some time with my boys and my husband even if it means missing my hometown parade!

I also stopped taking the victoza I was on.  The daily needle was getting more and more painful, and I started having bad stomach and intestinal pain, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I'm making an appointment to see my primary and seeing what other options are around because its just causing me too much stress.   I initially tried to take it every other day to see if that helped because I was already on the lowest dose, and I noticed the days I didn't take it I felt a lot better, now I've been off it for three days and feel even better so no more.

  I've been walking a lot but I haven't gotten back to the gym in a few weeks and I know I need to.  Its harder now with the kids about to be done with school and the husband working days but I'll have to figure it out soon.  I'm drinking a lot more water and trying to eat better and move around more, I've also been reading a lot and I enjoy it so its good for me I just need to find a way to read and move at the same time!

Getting Out Of My Way

The last week has been like a private battle in my mind.  I'm going through some things and I've been keeping it inside like I always do and wondering why I'm still having the same issues.  Pretty stupid I know but I've always been good at getting in my own way.  I'm beginning to realize that despite my best efforts at denial, I really do emotionally eat.  I use food to stuff the feelings away because I don't want to feel them.  Then I feel shameful and angry at myself for eating something I shouldn't, even a small amount, and stop eating regularly because I think I need to make up for it and my whole system gets messed up.  I'm the kind of person that if I forget to take a vitamin for a couple of days I stop taking them all together because I get so hard on myself for failing in the first place.

I don't know why I feel the need to punish myself when I make a mistake, but I do.  I think part of me is trying to keep myself this heavy because I don't think I deserve to be happy and thin. I've been punishing myself for years because I'm unhappy and I feel like I've made poor choices in life.  Instead of trying to correct my mistakes I keep myself  feeling the pain of them every day.  I'm stuck in the moment of failure and I can't seem to get myself out of it.  There are so many things that I want from life that are dependent on me loosing the weight, and I suffer from the want of them daily, but I don't loose the weight.  I just keep getting in the way of myself over and over again and living in that place of pain instead of climbing my way out of it.

Lately I've been having dreams about my dad and that never helps.  He was always so hard on me, harder then I am even.  Nothing I did was ever good enough because I always fell short of perfect.  When I was 12 he left my family for another woman and for the next 7 years I would see him still but it wasn't the same.  When I had my first son he came to the hospital and made amends of sorts and was a part of my son's life til we moved to Germany with the army.  I stayed in contact and when I was home the summer my second son was a baby, 5 years ago, we saw each other regularly. He was living with a new family and wanted my brother and I to get to know some kids we thought would be our step-siblings.  I left for Germany in September and when I sent my Christmas card that year it was returned un-opened.  My brother called and found out that 5 weeks after I left my father went to work and didn't come home.  He moved to North Carolina with a someone he met at work and never came back.  No one has heard from him in five years and I still can't wrap  my head around it.  I wasn't raised by someone who could do that, at least that's what I thought.  I know my father moved out when I was 12 but he didn't stop talking to his entire family, he didn't completely escape his responsibilities as a father, and it wasn't a secret that he was leaving.  My parents marriage had never been stable and frankly we were all relieved that the fighting had stopped, my parents became friends after the divorce was final it was easier on them both not to be living with each other.  

 Why can't I get passed this?  How could the person whom raised me to be a moral, honest, hard working person do something so awful?  Where is my dad?  How do I tell my kids about him when I feel like I don't know who he is?   I know I need to process this and move on, I know these unresolved feelings are helping to keep me stuck but its so crazy that its hard to believe sometimes that's its a fact of my life.  My father could be dead right now and I have no way of knowing.  Every time a number I don't know comes up on my phone I wonder.  I pray about it but I keep it to myself.  I don't know how to explain how I feel about it to people and I don't want to burden people unnecessarily with this either.  So here it is in the blogger universe.  I just needed to say something somehow sorry if it was too personal for people, I'm not looking for sympathy or judgement or answers really, I have faith that I'll get there on my own someday, well I'm trying to.

Happy Mother's Day!!

Happy Mother's day to all the mom's and soon to be mom's out there in the blogger universe.  Hope everyone has a wonderful time celebrating with their little ones or their own mother's today. Give your mother a call or a hug if you can, we wouldn't be here without them!

My day has been pretty typical, husband is working, kids are pretending to clean their playroom, and I'm getting the laundry done for the week.  But I guess its a fitting way to spend mother's day, doing everything I do as a mother!

weekend homebound just another frustration

Last weekend's cub scout camping trip went well.  The husband had to work so he dropped us off and helped us set up before he took off for the night.  I helped two other people with their tents and rounded up children til mine were ready for bed and then attempted to sleep in my new sleeping bag.  It fit around me but was about 5 inches too short for me so I froze, April in New York isn't that warm by day so at night in a tent its downright frosty.  When did they start making everything shorter.  I'm not that tall, but more and more I find things to be too short for my use.

The next day my little tiger cub moved up to a wolf cub, I was so proud of him.  Its a huge step for us because its so hard for my little guy to participate in things long term.  He's autistic, and as high functioning as he is sometimes the world isn't understanding enough for him to join in.  We have an amazing scouting organization here and they made this year a joy for all of us which means the world to me. The day was filled with fun stuff for the boys and families, these people are truly amazing in everything they do!

The rest of the week has been rough because I got a touch of the stomach flu. I'm feeling a lot better today but my husband is working days this month and that means a 12hr shift on the weekend, which means he's gone til 8pm, basically the whole day.  Being home with the boys is fine, but a weekend stuck home kind of sucks hardcore.  The boys have been good so far but only so much time with mommy is fun and I've just about run out!

Easter, the stomach flu and getting back on track

So I had been going to the gym with the husband for awhile, and then he and the boys were sick last Thursday and Friday with the stomach flu and being the only healthy person I was nursemaid for a few days which I let be an excuse not to work out.   I don't like to go to the gym without my husband and I let that keep me home.  Then Easter weekend came with all the cooking, egg hiding and dyeing, and the basket making left for me to do because my husband had to work 12 hr night shifts on the weekend, which is rough for him and sucks for us all.  I went to bed at 4 am before Easter and was back up at 7:30 am when the giggling of excited children was too loud to ignore.  So Sunday I cooked and did little else, by 8:30 pm I was falling asleep in the chair and took myself to bed.

  Monday I got up still exhausted and feeling completely run down and I couldn't shake it.  I went to the gym and got through most of my workout( All but 7 mins of my tread mill cool down) and then starting feeling really nauseous.  I thought I had just worked out really hard but by the time I got home the dizziness and shakiness had set in and I realized that I now had the darned stomach flu.  I got it worse then everyone else and have been sick since , but at least I got through that workout on Monday!  Today I am feeling nearly human in the since that I can eat normal food, in smaller portions which is fine, still some tummy pain but I've been trying to drink plenty of liquids and have spent less time counting bathroom tiles so I'm happier.  The problem is tomorrow is my husbands birthday, so my weight loss challenge is over.

Did I loose the weight he wanted me to, no, but I have gotten back down the ten pounds I'd gained over vacation and being sick the last time, due in part to being sick again so time will tell if its a maintainable loss.  I was 25 pounds short of the goal, and I'm trying really hard not to be upset about it.  I still feel like I'm letting him down in a big way, and myself for that matter.  I haven't done a good job of reaching my goals this year and its a failing on my part.  But tomorrow I'll be back to working out again and I'll be back to having to portion control and calorie count, if I can stomach it yet.  I need to not let myself get so run down all the time.  I exhaust myself taking care of everyone else and then have to take two steps back getting myself put back to rights.  Some day I'll learn how to keep life more balanced, til then I'll be faking it til I make it I guess!

Working It

So I've been going to the gym with my husband for about a week now and its going ok.  I don't really have too much trouble working out, even for my size, like today was a cardio day and I do 30 mins on the elliptical, 15 on the bike and 15 on a treadmill and I keep up pace with people a third my size.  On weight lifting days I do a routine that actually a little harder then the one my husband does, with more cardio.  This leads me to get really discouraged when I start going to the gym because for some reason I'm one of those people that gains weight the first week and doesn't see any results for weeks on end.  I've got my calories down and math wise I am creating a calorie deficit of about 5 pounds each week, I should be loosing five pounds at least each week.  This week so far I've gained four.  It happens every single time I start working out at the gym, my husband says I should just not look at the scale for the next three months or so.  I've been down this road so many times that I'm trying not to get discouraged by it all.  I'm learning that my body is really resistant to change and I have hope in time it will work out, even if it makes zero sense to me now.

I've been trying to do some de-stressing things to help me get through this rough patch, I've stopped drinking soda of any kind, had been drinking diet soda, a lot for a long time.  I also listen to music more, doing that now actually, made my own channel on pandora about a year ago and it doesn't let me down. I drink a cup or two of coffee about twice a week, that's about all the caffeine I've been taking in and I think its helping.  I need sleep, I've had problems with insomnia off and on since I was a kid, its usually triggered by depression and that's always going to be something I have issues with.  Being overweight and feeling unhappy with myself doesn't help.  But I'm a work in progress and I'm actually doing the work, so here's hoping there's progress!

Gym day number one

The word for today would be cardio.  I spent some time today getting re-acquainted with the elliptical, the tread mill and the bike.   I got through a pretty good work out and my husband got through his so we were both pretty happy when we left today.  I'm exhausted but I made it through and tomorrow is all about the nautilus machines, we too shall meet again. 

I also found a pretty good dessert today that satisfies my love of cheesecake for 150 calories!  Its a chocolate rice cake with a 1/2 serving of sugar free cheesecake flavored pudding and a serving of light whipped cream! It makes a pretty big serving and tastes really good. 

I managed to keep my calories on point today, killed it at the gym, visited our school book fair, make a pretty good dinner and a really great dessert, and keep myself from feeling too completely overwhelmed today.  I also drank a ton of water and changed when I take my medicine, mostly because I forgot to yesterday.  I'm hoping that everything I change up  works out for me this week. 

Working out my work out plans

So its back to the drawing board as far as my work out routine goes.  I'm in the research phase of figuring out the plan going forward.  I'm heading back to the gym tomorrow to shake things up.  I'm taking my husband along for moral support and to keep the people who work there off my back, when your heavy at an MWR gym they follow you like you're trying to steal something.  I think its a liability thing they think the silly fat girl is going to hurt herself and/or break something and it needs to be watched carefully or something.  My husband told me to bring a clip board because then I'll look official enough to be left alone!

My hope is to be able to change up my routine enough to shake up my metabolism and maybe get it working again.  I started taking a better vitamin and it is helping, I feel more awake but I'm still feeling really sluggish in the morning so I got an Italian coffee pot that makes just two small cups of strong coffee which should keep my calories down and eyes open.  I've been making coffee just once a day and giving one cup to my husband, and a lot of doctors say that just one to two small cups of coffee are good for you so I'm giving it a go for awake-ness.

I have been doing better in a lot of ways lately, even if I haven't had a perfect week, I'm not letting myself  get in my own way as much.  ANd really I'm my worst problem, but we all are in the simplest and most complex ways.  We sit in the road to success staring backwards at all our mistakes instead of looking forward to a better future.  When we do look down that road at all the things we need to accomplish we tell ourselves its too hard, its too long, its not worth it, I can't do it.  When that road only asks us to take one step at a time, one day at a time, one goal at a time in the right direction.  It wills us one by one with the promise that we can get there in time, it is achievable.  I am my own worst enemy, but I'm also my own best friend, and I need to be a better friend to myself.

Doing Better Today

Had a better day yesterday, spent some time in my kitchen which makes me happy, cooking calms me down and I know the kitchen can be the danger zone for someone as overweight as I am but its a good stress release for me and I don't snack along the way so its usually not a problem.  I made cabbage rolls from an old family recipe, I tweaked it a little though.  I used lean ground turkey and brown rice, made my own tomato sauce and added grated onion and carrot to both the sauce and the rice mixture for added veggies and natural sweetness.  It was just as good as my mom makes and my kids actually liked it, plus I had lots of leftovers so dinner tonight is a reheat and eat night which gives me some time back.  I even did a bowing work out while the rice was cooking!

I just want to thank everyone who reads my blog and especially Jacqui for your kind and positive words, it really means a lot to me to have people to share my struggles and my triumphs with.  Other then my husband I don't have much support in this, and reading your blogs and sharing mine helps.  I think a lot of my slump could have been helped if I'd been on here everyday reading and thinking like I had been, at the very least I could have posted my struggles sooner and gotten a little relief in the telling.  I'm already feeling a lot better then I was a few days ago because I'm talking about it.  I hear all the time about the importance of a support network and I always felt a little defeated for not having one in my day to day life, I'm just starting to see how this blog and those that I follow are creating that network for me, so thank you guys!!! 

Where Did I Go?

Where DID I go?  I'm not really even sure.  I kind of lost myself there for awhile.  I got sick and then went home on vacation and when I got back I just stayed in that no dieting no exercising no caring mentality.  My husband has been doing anything he can to try and re-motivate me but I've just kind of let it all go.  I haven't gained any weight back which is a blessing in itself, but I don't really keep track of anything and haven't done much more then walk.  Spring allergies haven't helped, 15 mins outside and I'm a teary eyed nose running mess.  My husband got me the biggest loser game for kinnect, has offered to take me swimming almost every day, swats cookies and garbage out of my hands at the grocery store, and is even competing in a weight loss competition at work himself, trying to help motivate me.  I just get mad and don't want to talk about it.  Why don't I want to face it?  Its not like its going anywhere. 

I keep telling myself tomorrow I'm going to get it together, then I start my day and begin with good choices and plan on working out, then by noon all I want to do is take a nap.  And I know part of the reason.  My blood work came back and I am iron deficient, and my vitamin D levels are low which is normal coming out of the winter for most people.   I take a multivitamin with iron in it and around my time of the month I make sure to eat iron rich foods, but I guess its not been enough. So I'm tired all the time, my husband had thought I was just being lazy, but its a deficiency.  I am going to try and take pre-natal vitamins like my doctor told me, but they made me sick before so I'm not thrilled with the idea.  I need energy that I'm just not getting.  I'm so tired lately I don't even want to work out because I'm worried I won't have the energy to get through my day, it sounds silly but I get so worn out that its a real concern for me. 

My husband asked me to loose 30 pounds for his birthday.  He asked me a few weeks ago, giving me about 60 days in which to do it.  It seemed so much more doable at the time because it was before I got really sick.  I was out for about a full week when I got sick, I even had to go to the ER because I was coughing so bad it was tearing my throat and I was bringing up blood, they were worried I would cough so hard I'd crack a rib. I was still getting better, slowly, when we headed home to see the family and that week was hectic and busy so by the time we got back I was exhausted for a few days after.  That was two weeks ago and I'm still making excuses for myself, now I'm down to a month and I have only gotten down about 3 pounds.  I don't want to disappoint him, he's been trying so hard to help me, but I feel like if I try and fail then I'm letting him down on his birthday.  The stress of this is making me mad all the time and I don't want to be like that. 

Sickness has desended upon my house

So for the better part of three weeks my son has been sick and in that time every member of our family has also been sick, myself included.  SO not much of anything has happened around here besides the passing around of tissues and cold medicine, and sleeping whenever possible.  My poor son just doesn't seem to be able to kick this cold, he got sent home from school again today and because of school policy, he can't go back tomorrow so his weekend started at 10:30 today.  Having the boys home sick has thrown off my schedule, and being sick myself has thrown off my weight loss.  The best I've been able to do is not gain weight, which I think is pretty good considering its been a lot of convenience foods and husband made meals in the last few weeks which always results in extra calories.

I did manage to get out of the house last Friday night, a friend of mine was having a women only slumber party(not really a sleepover some of you may know what it was) and we went out to a few local bars afterword.  It was the first night out I've had by myself since before I got married, basically 8 years since I'd been out on my own.  That makes the last thing I did on my own something I did as a teenager in college.  I don't even remember what it was.  It was great to get out, even if I wasn't feeling too great, I honestly didn't know what I was missing.  I didn't have to think or worry about anyone but myself for 6 whole hours and I got to laugh til my face hurt and spend time with other women in a non-judging, non-catty way.  I highly recommend this to anyone who is having a hard time of things, whatever they may be.  And not necessarily go out and drink, but go out and relax if you can and laugh, I feel lighter and freer then I have in ages!

I'm going to my mother's house in about 8 days because the kids are on spring break from school and that's where they wanted to go this year.  Last year we went to Disney World and this year they pick grandma's house, that's how much she spoils them rotten.  It will be good to see family though and my husband will get to be there for a few family birthdays which is always hard for us to do.  It'll be nice to have a babysitter for a few nights too because we'll get to visit with some adult friends who don't have kids yet and aren't as comfortable around them, we don't see friends like that too often anymore cause the boys come first but we miss them sometimes. 

The only issue with going to my mother's is that my mother and I don't have the best relationship and she's really hard on my about everything, but especially my weight.  Its always stressful to spend  a lot of time with her but she's great to my boys and they love her so much so we put up with it for as long as we have to.  My sister is home too which adds to the stress but I'm looking forward to seeing my brother and my friends so I think I can minimize the stress.  My plan for the next week til we get there is to work out and drink lots of water and do anything I can to de-stress myself before I go, I'm trying not to get myself all worked up about the trip and just go with the flow on this one.  We'll see how it goes!

Sorry its been so long

Sorry its been such a long time since my last posting, not even sure myself the exact amount of days.  I was sick for about a week and then my eldest son got sick and in between the two we were really busy and it was valentines day I believe.  Being sick did come with a few unexpected joys, because between having a stomach virus and being on medicine that makes it hard to eat I've gotten down to 349(even with now being on my monthly gift) and I've somehow managed to avoid creeping back up the scale in the last week even with my hormones being out of whack and Valentines Day, or the chocolate holiday!

My husband was so happy about my 8 pound weight loss that he joked about getting me sick once a week in order to get the weight off, needless to say he made up for that with really nice valentines gifts.  The day itself was really busy for us here, being a school/work day and having to get groceries(a 40 min round trip drive alone) and having to go to a cub scouts meeting, we ended up having a very nice, very late dinner at home. The hubbie ate most of the chocolate we had around so I didn't get into it, he says he was falling on the sword for me, I tried not to be mad even if it was a gift for me because after two pieces I had a stomach ache.  I made a really nice dinner for the four of us, dressed the table up fancy, took out the nice china and had a good time with my boys, it was a nice night.

I've managed to still walk a lot through being sick and having a sick little boy, but most of the other exercises has been hard to do , I'll get back there though.  Our year old plasma TV died really unexpectedly a few days ago so we haven't been able to use the kinnect or the wii with our fitness games which has been sad.  Mostly I'm just mad because we bought the TV based on it being a consumer best buy, it was the brand new model and we spent 800 dollars, which for us is a heck of a lot of money, and here we are 8 days based the one year warranty on the darned thing having a hard time getting the company to come fix it, it irritates me that you can spend that kind of money with no guarantees, but in the end its just a TV and worse things could happen.  I just wish I could have used that money for something more reliable.

Taking the medicine hasn't gotten any easier, my stomach is a mass of bruising from the puncture marks and tender so it hurts more every day.  The nausea hasn't gotten any better either, its hard to eat when I'm supposed to and drink much water because my stomach hurts all the time.  Its been almost a month but I still hope it gets better, I'm glad I haven't had to increase my dose at all, I don't know that I could have handled it!  I'm trying to have a better attitude about all of this, I'm trying to have a better attitude period.  I've been reading a lot which always puts me in a good mood, I just have to remember to look up every couple of seconds when I'm walking down our road.  The weather here is finally starting to warm up, at least for now, and I can almost see grass in part of my yard.  After the last 8 weeks of weather we've had here, its been really nice. I've enjoyed some of the walking I've done outside!

New Medication and New Diet, Same Lack of Results

I know its only been a week since I started the new medicine, and only four days since I started the new diet but I still can't help but be a little frustrated that the scale hasn't changed.  My husband spent the same four days on the diet and looks lighter, his face even looks thinner and he only has maybe 15 pounds to lose.  I have zero appetite for the last week, have been sticking to a diet that is supposed to guarantee results to everyone, and nothing.  I feel like crap, my leg and stomach hurt from where I stick myself every night.  I'm exhausted from the lack of calories going in and the long days I put in.  And I can't sleep because I have to stick myself before I go to bed and the pain keeps me awake, and makes me feel like a giant baby.

I started this blog to have something positive out there to help me stay motivated and I feel like its to much of my complaints and not enough success's.  I just can't seem to find a better balance.  Not being hungry much of the time has helped stay on this diet, but its made it harder to get enough water in because my stomach starts to hurt from how much more water then food I take in and I have kind of a weak stomach.  SO I'm starting to feel dried out on top of everything else.  I don't know if I can take being on this new medication much longer.  I'm so tired that I haven't been able to swim.  I work out but the shear stamina it takes to keep afloat in a pool you can't touch bottom in for 50 mins scares me a little at this energy level. I'm a strong swimmer but I don't take needless chances and I won't swim when I feel this wiped out. 

I've been reading a lot, I always read a lot but my husbands put in about 80 hrs this week due to the bad weather so I've been on my own a lot, I think its making me even more moody, but for me its hard to tell.  I also found a diary I had started last January(I start one every year, never make it past February)and found it incredibly depressing to be only 3 pounds lighter then I was this time last year.  That and reading over my failures and thoughts and hang ups and realising that not enough has changed since then made me feel like I haven't done anything this past year but become a faster and stronger fat person.

Month One Down, Eleven More to Go

So January has come and gone, and ended on a sour note for me.  With changing my meds the last week and feeling so sick the last few days I wanted mostly to crawl in a hole and die, I'm back up to 357 pounds.  I had gotten to 359 within two days of changing the meds, so I've managed to get down 2 pounds in the last three days but I'm still up 5 from the beginning of the month.  As far as my monthly goals I managed to drink my water every day and that was about it. But February is here now and its time to move forward.

February's goals are:
1.  Weight loss of 25 pounds, hard for a short month but should be doable, I hope.
2.  Continue to drink at least 110 ounces of water daily!
3.  Swim at 44 laps in 50 mins (I hope I can get some pool time this month)
4.  Cycle one and two on the 17 Day Diet

We started the 17 day diet today, so far the meal plan hasn't been too hard, I'm sure the restrictions would have been a lot harder if we hadn't been cleaning up our diets all last month.  There's only a few things we had to cut for the first 17 days so I think I'll be able to handle it.  I;m also trying to add more of a workout to what I do.  My boys are home today from school because of snow again, and may be tomorrow as well, so I've already gotten in a boxing workout  today with my husband before he left for work, and I packed him good snacks and meals for when he's at work so he won't run into trouble.  I'm planning some resistance training and maybe another cardio work out, I can't swim tonight because the pool is closed and husband is working an odd shift.  But hopefully thursday and saturday I can hit the pool. 

Its a new month, I have new goals, a new doctor approved meal plan, and a new medicine.  I have hope that I will see the changes on the scale that I've been looking to see, but mostly I have hope.  I know that no matter what happens on the scale, the food choices and exercise makes me a healthier person.  I'm also applying for classes and will be starting school in the next few months, I'm thrilled to be going back to school!

Doctor's next guess

So today I went to see my endocrinologist whom is still convinced that I'm insulin resistant and pre-diabetic even though they tested my sugars and everything came back fine.  He did finally talk me off the metformin that was making me sick to my stomach on a daily basis, for the time being.  Instead I now have to inject myself with victoza on a daily basis.  Its a drug for people who have diabetes and even though I don't he told me to just take it and disregard any of the instructions that deal with being diabetic, which is kind of all of them.  The grand plan is to eventually put me back on the metformin combined with the new stuff, yeah.  Did I mention I have to inject myself with a needle every day!

I guess it will be a good scare for me, going through the process of having to inject myself with something everyday in this instance should be temporary and if I stick to my weight loss plan and take care of myself I should be able to avoid ever getting type 2 diabetes and dealing with the possibility of daily insulin.  I don't have a problem with needles, I just feel a bit icky having to do it to myself, and yes icky is a technical term.

The weather here has been consistently terrible, it is winter, so I haven't been able to swim like I had wanted, I may still be able to go on Saturday so fingers crossed for that.  Today I shoveled snow for a different sort of work out, drank my usual amount of a ton of water and finished reading the 17 day diet.   We are thinking about starting it on February 1st.  The diet in the book was very similar to things like Dr. Phil's glycemic index diet, the south beach diet and other restrictive diets along the same lines of low-carb, low-fat, high protein diets.  There were some helpful things but I wouldn't have called it revolutionary as far as its message.  We'll be giving it a try and seeing if it works, I'll post our progress and if it seems to have some merit I'll put some of the meal plans and the basic gist of it here in my blog.

Good lord its cold outside!

Woke up this morning to -5 degrees, before the wind chill, and realized I had to walk my children back and forth to school 3 times in this cold, but its good exercise right?  My husband is back on days so its me back to walking at least 2 miles a day back and forth from the school which is good, I live in the mountains so the hills make for good exercise and get me outside for at least 30 mins each round trip, I see my neighbors and the fresh air is nice, but today it was so cold I almost turned around and called the boys in sick!  We wrapped ourselves in layers and forged on through the cold. 

My weigh in this week was just like last week, no change, its crazy to me.  My solution was I got weight training bands and I'm going to add more weight training to my routine and if I'm not completely tired from the extra walking and my regular stuff, I'll also add 30 mins more to my 60 mins of cardio, does that seem like I lot, I guess we'll see.  This leaves less time for other stuff, but I'm making a point to not let my blog suffer, or my monthly goals.  I'm only going to get two more days in the pool, but I think I can add 4 laps with each trip and still make my goal of 40.  My weight loss goal isn't even close, but I think maybe I'll get some answers when I have my next doctors appointment.

Other then the cold and the scale not budging I've been thinking about going back to school.  My husband is hoping to go to college in the fall and I'd like to finish my degree as well.  I started college before the boys were born and finished my freshman year, but that's it.  Its well past time that I go back and finish my degree. I'm a little back and forth about my degree, but I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go.  Its about time for me to get my stuff together!

Brick walls were made for running in to

So after a few weeks of meager/non-existant weight loss, which to be honest follows a nine month trend of non-existant weight loss, my husband has been back online looking for an answer to the whole thing.  For the most part we're both kind of tired of me being on a medication that makes me sick all the time for no good reason.  It was supposed to help me lose weight, and for a lot of people who are insulin resistant or have Poly-cystic Ovarian Disease it does help, not only to lose weight but in those issues as well.  The problem is I have neither issue and the medicine makes me sick to my stomach all day every day. It would be nice to get off of it.

My husband thinks I have an adrenal issue because the symptoms list reads like the story of my life, but the problem is its hard to get diagnosed.  Today we went  through the first round of doctors visits, a trip to my Primary who told me he could refer me to surgery for weight loss or shake my hand and wish me better luck with my endocrinologist.  So next thursday its off to see my endocrinologist and hope he'll order the tests my husband wants done.  My husband is a lab tech and was mad the Primary didn't order any tests because he was hoping to go to the next doc with the missing puzzle pieces but now he has to hope the other doc will let him run the labs in his lab because the other lab takes forever. But my primary said he didn't see the point in ordering tests he couldn't understand the results for, makes me feel real good about having him for a doctor!

Its a constant issue we have in having military doctors, they can do surgery, that they understand, but being weight loss resistant has them stumped.  They deal with everything else well, and to be fair its not exactly a daily issue for them, most of their patients have to keep in shape to keep their jobs.  Its just becoming harder to deal with working my butt off on a daily basis, keeping insane about my diet, drinking enough water for three people, and trying to keep the rest of my life in balance only to see meager if no improvement on the scale. 

I guess in the end its just hard for me to believe that there isn't just something I'm doing wrong, but if there is no one has caught it yet, not my team of doctors, not my super fit husband and not me.  I wish I could just pinpoint one issue that needed more work, one thing I could do just a little but better and the whole thing would just fall into place. I keep hoping that can still happen, in the meantime I'm going to get prodded and poked a few dozen more times just in case there's still some medical mystery that needs figuring out.

Week 2 weigh in, Same old me

No change this week, but I'm still figuring out my eating and working through my work out plan so I'm not terribly worried about it, I probably should be more frustrated then I am but I finally got back in the pool on thursday and that does wonders for my nerves.  Been boxing on the wii a lot as well, its become a bit of a competition with my husband over punch counts which makes me put in a little extra work to beat him.

He's been working 12 hour shifts all weekend though so I've been alone with the boys trying to get through hanging around the house but its only made a long weekend longer.  I have been re-learning the joys of mario kart and managed to catch a couple dramatic and sad movies my husband would never watch with me like the pianist and the legend of 1900.   Probably wasn't the best choice to watch three sad movies in a row because all it did was depress me a little, but nothing like a little friendly competition on the wii to bring the spirits up, kicking but and taking names always warms the soul!

Still drinking water and spending more time then I'd like running to pee but its good for me, at least that's what they tell me.  I managed to add 4 laps so I'm only 8 away from my monthly goal, so as long as I'm getting towards goals its progress.  I'll get there, maybe not when I wanted to, but I have the faith to see me through when the determination is harder to find. Will power doesn't seem like such a dirty word to me, and its getting easier to find in myself, which has been the biggest surprise of all!

So today was okay I guess

Not much happened today, I boxed again because everything here was still covered in snow and I wasn't leaving the house until it stopped snowing and the roads were plowed.  Everything was still closed when we did go out at 4:30 so we only managed to get gas and get the ear puddy stuff at the sporting goods store.  Its made for kids but I think I can still make it work, anything is better then a three day ear ache. 

Feeling a little housebound for the past couple of days, we've had so much snow here in the last three weeks that its been hard to go anywhere.  Plus the boys have been home from school twice in the since friday, so I didn't even get to walk them to school. But I've been keeping the meal planning up and drinking tons of water and working out a bit more each day since I'm not walking as much, hopefully its enough to make up for it. 

We're thinking about getting a weight bag set now that we've found one that can move with us.  I really enjoy the boxing and it would be easier to really train if I had some resistance.  Its something to think about.  We move a lot and really have no idea what amount of space we'll have from house to house so sometimes it hard to buy things that take any amount of space however helpful they may be. Every piece of furniture, lamp and wall decoration has to be thought out because the next house may have more windows then  this one, or a room could be a different shape, or we won't have the finished basement we have now.  Living like a nomad has its disadvantages, but access to to a gym for free, and a pool for free, and my husband getting to serve stateside is a blessing!

No pool, but still working my a** off

So for the last few days I've had an ear ache and been unable to swim until I find some of that putty you put in your ears when you swim. Not even sure if they make it anymore but since I can't swim I've had to try and push myself past the pain in my leg to get a really good workout everyday.  It means more ice, since I'm trying to stop taking the pain meds, but I'm still managing to get through.  Today was a biggest loser 60 min cardio work out at home and I managed to get through the whole thing which was great.  I even schooled the husband during a few of the exercises.  Yesterday it was boxing on the wii, did another hardcore workout and had took the first bowing exam which I past!

So after being slightly disappointed with my first weigh in, I decided to weigh myself yesterday to see if I was still having issues and I had lost 4 pounds from Saturday!  So its three down from where I started and that much closer to my months goal!  I know its just a little step forward but for me its something to be celebrated.  I spent 5 years working my butt off getting nowhere, my weight didn't budge more then two pounds either way for nearly 5 years.  It was good in the since that really no matter what I stuffed in my face I didn't get any bigger, but it sucked when I was working out and eating right and still not seeing any progress on the scale.  SO now that I am heading in the right direction, and my work is yielding progress it gives me hope that I'm going to get there!

So maybe no pool for a couple of days, and maybe I won't hit 35 pounds this month, but I'm working out 6 days a week, drinking plenty of water, writing in my blog and enjoying the process.  Every day the diet gets better, I plan more and think about not just my calorie intact but making sure I'm eating the right things at the right time of day in the right amounts.  Its a lifestyle change, for me it has to be, so even on days when I hate it and I wish I could just eat something easy and not think about it, I have my dreams and goals to see me through, and my husband keeping me honest, and my children keeping me strong, because in the end I know that they need this even more then I do, so a problem doesn't occur in their lives and so they get the mommy they deserve!

Sunday's are for Rest

So Sunday's are our free days.  Its the one day we don't workout, which means its the day I get caught up on everything else. Its important to have a day free to get ready for the week to come.  Its also important to have a day off for rest, and I needed it. I am so sore from yesterdays work out, and bruised from what I don't know.  So I slept in a little and have been drinking plenty of water, and eating small meals every 2-3 hours and sticking to the plan and hoping for the best.

I'm in a slightly better place emotionally, I think being still pretty tired hasn't helped.  I've been taking today to try and recenter myself and get to a good mind set for the week ahead.  I can do better, it will be fine.  I need to stress less, I can't get to a better place if I'm still living in my mistakes and disappointments.  I have a lot of support from my husband and a place to write out my frustrations.

Tomorrow I'll be going for a swim again and that always puts me in a good place.  When I've finished in the pool I feel like I've accomplished something and I had a great time doing it.  It helps me distress and I can still smile when I'm finished, I've been looking forward to it all weekend.  This is a new week, tomorrow is a new day, and I can still get to where I'm going even if I'm going a little slower then I'd like.

First weigh in, First road block

So today was my first weigh in and despite all the changes and work I've been doing, I gained a pound.  I've been kind of frustrated all day but I'm trying not to let this be a major road block for me.  I'm just going to look over where I may have misstepped and try to work out all the issues I've been having so I can move forward.  I've been in kind of a crappy mood all day which hasn't helped, but mostly I think that I'm just tired.  I'm hoping to get some sleep tonight, and start tomorrow with a better out look on what lies ahead.

I did manage to get in a pretty tough work out today, we did one of the biggest loser workouts, and it was pretty tough, even for my husband whom I gage all toughness by since he's in pretty good shape and has been through boot camp.  It was 60 mins of hard work that I mostly didn't want to do, I wish I didn't have such a bad attitude about it because I may have done a bit better.  Its hard to find motivation when you don't see good results, its something I've been struggling with for a long time.  I have all these plans to get the weight off as quickly as possible and my body is not following along with my plans.  I need to find a way to be okay with the process, even if it takes longer then I want it to.

Maintaining momentum

The weather here has kept me home today which is unfortunate because its the day before my first weigh in and I was hoping for an all out last chance workout in the pool.  Instead I had to work out at home which was okay because I unlocked the hardcore workout mode on my game and boxed my way through a pretty hard workout.  I still feel like I should do something else, but I'm afraid to over do it and create another injury for myself, so for now I think it will be enough, we'll see.

Along the lines of my other monthly goals, I wasn't able to swim do to the nearly 12 inches of snow that's fallen since 8 am, but I have been drinking lots of water,so much so I'm worried it may be too much, but my husband seems to think that's not really possible, we'll see.  As it turns out my daily goal of 110 ounces may not be enough anyway because of how much I weigh.  I read I'm supposed to drink half my body weight in ounces of water, that's 175 ounces daily!  That seems an enormous amount of running to the bathroom, but if I actually run its a few added mini work outs a day right!

I've been eating better and better as the week has progressed, I'm trying to eat smaller portions more times a day, but its hard for me to eat when I'm not hungry, and harder for me to control portions when I am.  Its another goal I'm working on this month, portion control, so add it to the list! Its a lot more time in the kitchen making meals and snacks throughout the day, but I'm hoping that if the husband helps out for some of it I won't get too frustrated and tired of being in there all the time.  Whats important is keeping this going and showing our children the right way to eat, we hope that learning it this early will prevent any problems for them in the future, right now they are both in excellent shape, neither of them seem to have inherited my metabolism which is a blessing from god really! 

I should have a few short term goals, right?

As I was swimming my way through my 16th or 17th lap in the pool today, I starting thinking that all my goals are my long term ones that I'm keeping to myself, for competition reasons.  Its not that I'm in a competition with any person officially, but between us we both have certain goals we'd like to meet before we see each other again in about 6 months, and neither of us will be too specific because we're both hoping to shock the other more.  So aside from that I haven't really thought about short term goals, like this month I'd like to loose X amount of pounds, or by the end of the month I'd like to swim X amount of laps in the 50 mins I swim.  I did 28 today for those of you paying attention which wasn't ideal but I didn't spend the whole swim session just doing laps, I also like to get in a bit of an aqua aerobics session. 

My problem with setting small term goals, and large ones, is that I have so much trouble meeting them that it tends to kill my motivation.  But its important to have attainable goals and to meet them because it helps keep you accountable to your weight loss journey, so here it goes, I'm going to set a few that I think should help
1.  I'd like to drink more water, for health, so by the end of the month I will be drinking at least 110 ounces of water per day
2.I will try my damnedest to lose 35 pounds by the end of the month, my first weigh in is Saturday so we'll see how far off track I am.
3. I'd like to be able to improve my lap times in the pool and be able to swim 40 laps in the pool within the next six weeks

There, goals set, they should all help each other in the process, it gives me something to work towards in the next few weeks, it takes my huge overall goal and gives me a number I can hopefully live with, which is also hard enough to keep me trying and hopefully keep me honest, we'll see how it goes! Good Luck to the rest of you!

Finding my flow

So I didn't make it to the pool yesterday, it was too much going on around here, but I did get a boxing work out in, and I made it to the pool today!  Swimming is so much easier on my leg as its healing, and I can move in the water much better then on land.  I think getting there a few times a week is really going to give me something that works, and that I look forward to.  I came home and made a simple lunch for my husband and me which was nice for us to have together because we don't get that much time together. 

Yesterday was so busy that I really could have given myself any number of excuses to not to, but I finished everything else I was working on and made the time because its important.  It was something I've always had problems with giving myself free passes until it becomes more the rule then the exception.  Then when I see no difference on the scale I give up all together.  But its like something has finally clicked, I know that there's no give up option, there never was.  I don't have time to waste anymore, its not going to get any easier, and the longer it takes the harder it will be. 

 Its early yet in the process, I know it will get harder to fit stuff in, I know things will happen to break my concentration, but I feel like I can deal with all that better now.  I'm trying to be more optimistic about this process, to enjoy myself along the way and keep focused on what I'm doing and where I'm going.  Its a long up hill battle, but I'm putting my climbing shoes on and getting going.  If I stumble I will pic myself up and dust myself off and get going again.

Pain is good, right?

Man am I hurting today.  Who knew boxing on a wii would be such a workout, I thought maybe I was just being a wuss, but the hubbie is hurting too and he's in a lot better shape then I am.  Today was a pilates day which is helping to stretch out my sore muscles and keeping me on track for a workout.  I finished mine and the husband is doing it now, he's hurting so bad he thought he needed it.  Normally he goes for a run, hits the gym, or does the Insanity workouts, but he's making pilates look manly. 

Its my son's birthday tomorrow so I'm a little worried because birthday's mean dinner out at the person's favorite place, its the only time we eat out really, but it also means cake. He's turning 7 so I still want him to have a cake, and I don't have to eat it but I know myself, I think its a waste of money that no one is eating it and I'll decide its my fiscal responsibility to see that it gets eaten.  Or my husband will and then he'll be mad at me.  We curb this usually by having cupcakes at the school because then I don't have to even be there, but then we get complaints from grandparents and family members because they didn't get to blow out candles, which seems kind of silly to me, but since we don't live near them they count on the pictures as a sense of connection so they guilt me into things easily. 

I'm also a little worried about having time to work out, I usually spend some time at the school on their birthday and that means something in my normal routine is going to get pushed aside, plus dinner out means about 30 mins to and hour longer for dinner then usual.  My husband is a great help, but time still gets away from me most days, there's just not enough of it.  But I've been making a point of being more diligent and I'm not giving myself wiggle room anymore.  I've got plans to swim tomorrow, and a time slot to do it in, that should help.  I pride myself on keeping appointments so there's half the battle, I think maybe this blog will be the giving point so if I don't check in, you'll know why. 

But hey, my son is turning 7 tomorrow, how great is that!

Fighting to live another day

Sorry about the text color, but today feels like a purple day, don't know why. Anyway back to the business at hand.  Today's workout was fun!  We have the gold's gym boxing game for the wii, and I did a workout which thankfully didn't stress the leg too much, my arms are pretty sore now though! Its still a bit weird for me, mixing video games and fitness, but in reality its not much different from a fitness dvd, just a bit more of a pain in the but because you to get timing down, which in video games I've never been great at.  I guess this just means I'll be working a little harder at it which is a good thing. I like that good happy tired feeling you get from finishing a hard work out, but like most people during the process I feel like its never going to end and I just want to quit.  The game kind of distracts me from the process, it leaves the clock watching out of it because I'm busy trying to concentrate on my timing in the game, its exactly what I need distraction from.

At a gym I'm the person who covers the timer on my machine with a towel and tries to pay attention to almost anything else, seeing that clock is just dis motivating.  I can be completely engaged with what I'm doing because in the back of my head I thinking of any excuse I can give myself for not going the whole 30 mins.  having time to bargain away my work out isn't an option, I need to be fully immersed, or well distracted.  I think its why sports work so well for people, your too busy competing and trash talking your friends to realize you've spent over 40 mins running up and down the court. I can't help but think that if I'd been better at sports, I'd never ballooned up to over 300 pounds. 

I think today's workout was so much fun because it was boxing.  There's something about taking a fighting stance that gives you a feeling of being in it.  Standing there with your arms up you feel like your ready to fight your way through no matter what, and that what I need to do.  My future is at stake here, I'm not blind to that.  I've been lucky so far not to be suffering too many of the consequences of my size.  But I'm on borrowed time as it is.  I can't be this weight any longer, my life depends on it.  I've been seriously thinking about training in boxing at a real gym to get myself in shape.  Mostly I just think making this fight a real one will give me a chance at life.

A Wobbley Start

So I thought with the official start being today I'd tell a little more of my story, maybe add a picture or two.  In addition every day I'll include my workout of the day, how I felt about it, a little about my diet approach and any pit falls or success's I may have along the way.  Its a fight to the finish, so I guess this blog will be my play by play.

Well about me.  I'm a stay at home mom with a husband in the military.  That means I'm on my own a lot, and pulling the duty of two parents when I am.  I'm tired most of the time which could be said about most parents.  My boys are 5 and 7, I was overweight before I got pregnant, and each pregnancy has added to the total weight of who I am now.  Being overweight both pregnancies where tough on me, I had issues with my gall bladder which resulted in surgery very soon after giving birth, and a large baby which resulted in another major surgery in having a c-section.  With that came hard recoveries and more weight gain.  I battled with weight before having children, since then its only gotten harder as I've gotten heavier.

At my heaviest I weighed about 370 pounds, that's shocking to me because I eat better then most people, always have.  I've been on a diet since I was 12, I know how to eat.  I also try to keep active, at my heaviest I still walked at least 3 miles a day and went to the gym at least twice a week.  When I talked to my doctors about this they wouldn't believe me, my husband had to come in and set them straight, I guess a man in a uniform is a more reliable source.  I've spent more then half my life on a diet, and all I've managed to do was get heavier.

About seven months ago I was put on medication for the first time and maybe its helped a little. A month before  I started working out on the Insanity program, with some modifications made because my weight puts stress on my ankles and wrists so some things needed to be done differently.  I didn't loose any weight before the medicine, even a month of insanity didn't budge my waistline.  Two months on the lowest dose of Metformin and working out on Insanity, and eating the restricted insulin resistant diet and I lost 29 pounds, but then I got hurt, my back gave out.  So I stopped working out for awhile and gained about 13 pounds back.  But those 13 pounds have been about it in the five months since all that happened.  Even with having stopped the completely restricted diet eating moderate carbs instead of almost none. 

So here I am still 354 pounds, no change which is better then gaining, but not quite progress.  And I've injured myself again which means work outs have to be modified even more.  I slipped as soon as the weather got cold and busted my leg, physical therapy is in my future, which means I may be able to get back to the gym soon, but for now its at home pilates modified so I'm not hurting myself, and a prayer that I don't put more weight back on like the last time. This is where I start, wobbling a bit, but trying to go back down again.